lost and gained

this week has been a tough one. the beginning of the week saw me losing my lunch, repeatedly. so much so, in fact that i was sent home from work. unknown cause, but lots of possibles crossed off.

this week also brought the loss of the father of a very dear friend of mine. he is so eloquently verbal, an amazing writer. he is logging his journey through this time, and it's incredibly hard to read. right now he and his amazing wife are across the country, making it even harder for us back home. i'm such a fixer. i have to be doing something, i like to take charge and get things done in times of crisis. this particular crisis has brought us fixers together. i've made friends with another amazing woman, who's the head haucho of fixers it seems. we've/she's come up with an actual table of people in charge of meals once they return from the east coast, covering the next week. this is stressful, because when we're in crisis mode, we don't like to eat, and we don't like company. 'we' in this case refers to me. i have a feeling they feel the same way. i worry that we'll be bombarding them with food and company when it's the last thing they will need and/or want, but we all have our own way of grieving i guess. i'm just truly blessed to be counted in this group tasked with helping them through this time, something i never even knew i could feel lucky about.

another friend is watching his mother begin another battle with cancer. he's normally a very energetic, outgoing, in-your-face kind of person, and this morning at breakfast with he and his daughter, he was downright lethargic. he doesn't ask for help, and completely shuts down in crisis time. 2 things i can't deal with. so i'm at a complete loss on how to actually help him.

the 'gained' section comes now. i've not been able to train all week. i've been hurling my socks up, or sleeping, or working. so today i knew i needed something. i didn't feel like hauling out my trainer, and i didn't feel like hitting the pool (it's pretty cool today and our pool is in the shade). so a run it was. and boy, what a run it was. they call it a breakthrough workout i believe. left me in tears at the end. i'd say that was some sort of breakthrough. in working back into running from a helluva (injured) summer, i've been doing 10/1s or 5/1s or 3/2s run/walk. today, i didn't even do a warmup, i just wanted to get straight into it. i walked this huge hill by pierce college, because, well, i'm not a total idiot. other than that, i ran. and ran and ran. it wasn't a fast one, about a minute slower than my goal pace for right now/vineman (as it stands currently), but i also have had any pure run workouts yet. i've so needed a workout like this. i love running. i love being out there, no one can bother me, i can just completely zone out and listen to my music. or think things through. or both. amazing workout. yay me.

my own year in review

had to do it. bear with me.

i've been out in southern cal now for a full year. my life has changed more than i ever thought possible. in some ways good, in other ways not. but more than likely, the areas i view to be not good changes are things i just need to get acclimated to.

good changes #1: i'm still a travel nurse. i didn't really know how long i'd be able to say that. i've got much too much attitude to be a travel nurse. as a travel nurse you've got to keep your mouth shut, and do your job as best the facility's policy and procedure manual will allow. this has been really hard for me. case in point - my current facility. it's a Level II NICU (Level III being the highest; well, actually there are Level IVs but they're very sparse). i've always and only worked in Level III NICUs before this one. so i've been trained and worked at a higher acuity than their patients. there are some incredibly moronic 'rules' this place has, none of which are backed up with policy and procedure. they don't even HAVE a policy and procedure manual that i've seen yet, and i'm in my 5th month here. what does that mean for me? well, i'm not real sure yet. it means that i practice as best i can, do the things i know are right, and pray like hell that i don't get called to court one day. hence my being doubly covered with malpractice insurance. it's funny how quickly this particular 'good thing' has turned into a bad thing, but the underlying premise here is that i've not yet managed to get my ass fired. oh, wait, i did do that this year! damn. ok, so maybe the underlying premise is that i'm still a travel nurse? sure, we'll go with that.

good thing #2: i'm a triathlete. so crazy. and i say it, yet i still don't really believe it. maybe that's because the season is over and i feel so removed from it since i've been off training for so long now. my unemployment era was wonderful for my training this summer. i had all day, every day to go nuts, and i did. i start IMAZ training in a week or so. couldn't be more ready, i'm going a little stir crazy here. i've enjoyed the time off, but now i just feel like a slob. i think training is essentially my therapy. there's nothing better than having a ton of stuff on your mind, hopping into a warm pool and just swim and swim and get it all figured out. i miss that. i've got an MRI tomorrow for my knee, and i'm supposed to see one of 'THE' premier orthopedic surgeons next week. i look forward to becoming 'a runner', for what that's worth anyway.

good thing #3: my family. my friends. i came out here not knowing a soul. that's part of the appeal for me as a travel nurse. it took me a couple of months, but then i met dave. and then eve, and the whole TNS crew. i can't begin to express how lucky i am for these people. my father is in good health now after quadruple bypass and pacemaker placement after 20+ years of being a die hard roadie and marathoner.

good thing #4: my boyfriend. our new life together. our apartment. hey look, that's 3 right there.

there are of course bad things that have occur ed. but listing them isn't really necessary, because they don't even nearly outweigh the good. i've got a couple of new year's resolutions, but nothing too fancy. i think signing up for IMAZ pretty much solidified any possible outlandish resolution i could come up with for this particular year...

long overdue vacay

don't know how much truth there is to that, but we'll go with it anyway.

this past week has been very hectic. it feels like i worked every damn day, even though i didn't. they canceled me for one, which meant rescheduling, which, yet again, screwed up my entire week. my birthday was good, pretty productive but i wasn't able to knock most anything off my 'to-do' list, let alone workout. FINALLY got an appointment with the 'premiere' orthopedic surgeon of santa monica. was able to get dave completely moved in, he's now a resident of woodland hills. yay!

after an incredibly stressful week, dave and i boarded a plane for NM. somehow or another we both were able to swing an entire week off. my hometown is about 3 hours away from albuquerque, so we rented a car and made the drive saturday. we got up sunday and rode with my mom, her best friend, and my dad. dave and i are both borrowing a bike from my dad. keeping in mind that my dad's bike tuning skills are all self-taught maneuvers, this means that our bikes aren't the best fits. regardless, we had a good time. knocked out 27 miles in about 2 hours. the temp was in the 40-50 degree range. with layers from my own closet, as well as those from dave and my dad, i was happily toasty. the wind changed directions about 4 times while we were out, and i'm not even exaggerating. at one point it was so strong we were doing all we could to maintain a 10mph. and manure does nothing for your lung capacity. in case you were wondering. nor does a swing in elevation of <100ft>4200ft. ah good times. i didn't need to breathe anyway, breathing is SO overrated.

coming into this trip, i requested that my coach shoot me a couple workouts for the week. i was fully expecting snow, so i wasn't thinking we'd be able to ride. we get down here and it's bone dry. ah, such is my life. coach also told me i wasn't allowed to run while we were down here. i knew i'd be tempted, especially with dave training for a half marathon next month, so i didn't even bring my knee brace with me. i'm not stupid enough to run without it, so there's not really a surer way in my book to stop me from running. regretting that now. it's cold, but the afternoons are getting into the 50s, and i'd love to be able to run. kind of driving me a bit nuts. the advice i got on workouts was to lift and do yoga, then bike and swim as i could. we decided we REALLY like the pool here, so we are going to try to swim daily. for my birthday dave bought me an awesome new tinnie tiny camera, which takes video. we brought that down today to the pool and taped each other's swim for a lap or so. i look like crap. i've decided that my natural athletic ability has gotten me through one season of triathlon, but i think that book is about to end. i think i'm coming to the point that i need to enlist some professional help. and i'm struggling with that, because i've prided myself in being a good swimmer, erroneous as that may be or not. and having someone try to tweak my stroke freaks me out because it's what's worked for me up to now. i don't really know what's triggered this. dave is a self-taught swimmer, he watches video online and has invested in the total immersion hoopla. he talks about it frequently, and does drills feverishly in the pool when we go. i do my little warmup and then i just swim. granted, dave is much faster than i in the water, but he's a boy. he's supposed to be faster...that's my rationalization and it works for me. i'm body conscious enough to realize when something doesn't feel right, and within a couple strokes i can usually pinpoint what's going on. today, for instance, i immediately felt sore and tight from lifting weights yesterday, so i knew i wasn't clearing much with my elbows. sure enough, saw it on the video, i'm not rolling whatsoever. ugh, the demons have set in. and i've been so comfortable in this leg of triathlon for so long now...guess it had to happen. i'm too ADHD to not touch pandora's box at SOME point.

in true OCD fashion, i came on vacay with a 'to-do' list, and so far, i've been unable to knock any of those things out. one of which was cementing down a race schedule for the upcoming season, if nothing else up to vineman. i now have very specific guidelines for my race schedule since i signed up for IMAZ, which i totally understand and agree with. and ever since my crash, i'm now incredibly aware of the fact that every time i race i'm at risk of getting hurt. i'm not real sure where that came from, and i'm somewhat jealous of the fact that i was able to skate through my first season unscathed and nonchalant. let the fun begin...

ketcha-YOU-up

been awhile. and i'd like to say that's because i've been sitting on my ass, eating bonbons, knitting sweaters. alas, i have not.

IMAZ weekend:

myself, dave and eve all worked the friday heading into the weekend. that translated to a departure time of 4am saturday morning. per dave. let's get that straight. dave's plan, not ours. we got into town with the intent of running to just one bike shop to make a return from soma weekend - eve wanted to run, dave and i wanted to swim before dinner. we actually squeezed in a second bike shop trip, and they both got a run in while i got in a 30 min nap (which is just bullshit, btw, anything less than a hour just isn't worth undoing the bed).

dinner that night was just a full-on head-first collision for the senses. pf changs, very loud music, a handful of people we knew, two bigger handfuls of people we didn't, tears and drinks (granted, those last two probably correlated but whatever). we finally got to present the book to max, and he gave a speech. i was just in awe. there's no other way to put it. at one point i looked at dave and told him when it was my turn to do an IM, i would shoot him dead if he gathered this many people for me. too much pressure. dinner was good, it could've been very weird (and in fact was for eve, but we didn't find that out for awhile), but it wasn't at all. it was so interesting to gather a group of people who only cared about one thing at that moment in time - max. very powerful stuff.

after dinner, myself, dave, eve and brian wandered downtown tempe in search of more good times (surely there were more to be had). and of course we found them. we had our fair share of alcohol that night.

next morning, we wake up earlier than the buttcrack of dawn. i think it was another 4am morning. we threw on clothes and headed out. found sofia and some of her family already gathered, and we found max. he kind of had a deer-in-the-headlights look about him, eerily calm. somehow or another damon was actually inside transition with him. little did i know, that was only the beginning...

max was off on the swim, and we positioned ourselves right next to the wetsuit strippers. it was awesome to watch these people come out of the water. i'm less and less impressed by pros with every race that goes by. it's the average joe who climbs up out of the water with the biggest smile on his face, just happy to be there, happy to have accomplished just that section of the race that makes it worthwhile to watch. quickly we weeded out the good strippers from the bad strippers. and then us girls (eve, sofia, and i) started to worry that max might fall into the hands of one of the bad eggs. that wasn't gonna happen, nope, not on OUR watch. i politely tapped one of the medic/strippers on the shoulder and asked her if i could climb over and help strip people. snottily she told me no, that i didn't have a 'tshirt' which showed that i was a true volunteer. well screw that shit. i had dave telling me 'babe, if it were my race and you jumped a barricade to strip my wetsuit and got me DQ'd, i don't know if i could ever forgive you' and i had damon physically maneuvering me to get into place to climb the damn barricade saying 'so this is what you're gonna do...'. it was like my own little conscience battling it out, but with actual people, not just voices in my head. and you can probably guess which i decided to go with. i was really worried the beotch/medic/stripper lady would recognize me had i gone in with my jacket and hat looking just the way i had when i propositioned her, so i took off my jacket and hat and switched with damon, took his black knit ski mask/skully (oh the racist jokes i could tell...), and found myself in between the metal bars of the barricade and the tarp. and damon directing traffic telling me when it was ok to go.

stripping was fun. tough, but fun. and wet. and i had on a white tshirt. wasn't the best plan. i had eve watching for max so she could tell me when to go for him. my goal was to find him, wave him over, and strip him right there in front of our group. but then when eve spotted him, he was so far away, that 1 i worried he'd still fall into the hands of a bad egg before reaching me, or 2 that he wouldn't really recognize me, seeing as how i wasn't supposed to be there and he'd just swam for 90 minutes straight. so i bum-rushed him. he had the greatest look on his face when he saw and recognized me. he didn't speak, i just saw the light go on in his head and the oh-so-appreciative smile cross his face, and then i yelled at him to get on his ass. i stripped him, helped him up, and then he was gone. i stuck around and did a few more, and got pretty tired. the adrenaline was gone by the time max made it into the tent, and then it was just cold and wet. everyone was so appreciative of the help though, it was great. highly recommend stripping to anyone. just be sure to eat some breakfast first. or after? anyway...

out on the bike we totally missed max's first loop. he spotted us first and pointed, and we were all in shock and just yelled some mass of words AT him, and then clapped and cheered. oops. still don't know how that happened. you sit on the curb, you see them come in on the opposite side of the curb, and then they come back on your side. so we missed him twice. every single one of us was determined THAT wasn't going to happen again.

tim bomba, head hauncho of the ocean 101 group found us, and conducted some interview type maneuvers which i'm sure will come back to haunt me sometime...we positioned ourselves right next to one of the penalty tents, and fought the urge every single time to run up and ask the 'offenders' what they did to be put in time out. probably not the time. we caught max's second loop, and then went back down lake side to watch the run.

it was here and at dinner that dave posed the inevitable question - what if he did IMAZ next year? my immediate, and completely selfish response was, well, what do you think it'll do to our relationship? that's a LOT of time spent apart. by that time we'll have only been a year into this relationship, and i'm an ass. i'm high maintenance. i need attention. i'm aware of it. i think he has an idea. so i started stressing about it. already. he hadn't even signed up yet, was just throwing it out there as a hypothetical (although he and i both knew it wasn't just a 'hypothetical' - he really wanted to do that race). at one point i even spoke with sofia, and asked her if she thought it'd be a good idea that i go back to school, maybe get my master's in nursing while he trained for IMAZ so as to keep myself busy. her response "we'll talk!". hmmmm...

max put up an amazing finish to that run. so fast that we spotted him, realized how fast he was running, and just dropped our shit right there and ran to the finish line, which he still beat us to. he found us, and hugged sofia. for some reason i was right there next to him, crying, holding on to one of their arms while they just sobbed into each other. i don't know why i just couldn't let go. it wasn't my moment, i should've given them their space. i'm still a little embarrassed about that part, and i'm not even sure either of them realized i was there, i'm sure they didn't. i turned around and told dave i just couldn't let go of them. he just hugged me while i cried. such a good boyfriend.

we all went back down to transition and grabbed stuff. max was just talking a mile a minute about what he needs to change for next time, already!! i was in shock. this guy just worked out for 12+ hours straight, yet here he is, talking about it, walking a little choppy, but otherwise totally normal. blew my mind. dave, me, brian and eve piled into my truck headed back to the condo they rented. about a mile down the road, brian says, 'so charrissa, what do you think about doing IMAZ next year?'. i looked at dave, he looked at me and shrugged his shoulders. i told them both it honest to god never even occurred to me to do it, that all day i'd been stressing about dave doing it. but if BOTH of us were training for it...it was that easy. i said yes. what's funny is that i'd just had another convo with michael, another TNSer the week before, telling him i wasn't ready for a full IM, i had no desire yet, yada yada. needless to say, he didn't take the news well.

we stayed at the condo until about 10pm. and then grabbed food. and got on the road about 11pm i think. immediately eve was out. dave was snoozing. i got an hour in and couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. we pulled over and slept for about an hour on some random exit in the middle of the desert. long story short, we rolled into LA about 4:30am. not good. not good at all. it sucked. we got home, dave got about an hour of sleep, and went to work. eve went straight to work, luckily she'd been able to sleep pretty much the whole way back.

i got up at 10 am after crappy sleep and fretted over the logistical nightmare of registering for a race that would probably close in a matter of minutes. luckily i got us both registered. it still didn't hit me. it hit my bank account, but it still didn't hit me that i'd registered for a 140.6 mile race. still not sure it has. all i know is that's a really, really long way to go.

fast forward to this weekend, dave and i signed up for the Turkey Tri, ACA (against coach's advice) on wednesday, race was sunday after thanksgiving. who wouldn't do a triathlon with pumpkin pie waiting for you at the finish line, i mean, com'on. the swim kinda sucked. well, it sucked pretty badly actually. my AG was the biggest, but that's because it was all 29 and under females and then the athena's on top of it. or bottom, depending on your outlook. optimist/pessimist kind of thing i guess.

i've never been with a bigger group of unprepared, misinformed, newbie triathletes. we were sitting in the start shoot with people asking 'so how far is the swim? where do we exit out of the water?'. now granted, i was intently listening to the answers to these questions, because i too was one of the unprepared, but still. the water temp was a balmy 58 degrees. we were late, dave thinking it wasn't going to be crowded so we'd have time to do our normal rituals. yeah, there were almost 1000 people in that race. so i didn't get to get into the water to warm up. not really a bad thing i got in knee-deep and dunked my face. and then stood in the start shoot where it was really windy. the swim was good enough. i had no intention of racing this race, honestly. i hadn't raced since LA back in october. i was out there to put up a good fight, enjoy myself, and have some damn pumpkin pie. this outlook showed in my swim. i don't know if it was the water temp, although it felt fine really, or if it was just that i've lost so much fitness, but i just couldn't maintain my stroke. i just kept thinking that at any moment dave was going to pass me. his wave went off 3 minutes behind me. got into T1, dried off my arms and threw on some armwarmers. not the easiest thing to do, i might add. dave came running through like a tornado, as he does, and i stopped at his rack to buckle my helmet. i knew he'd be right behind me, so i ran out. sure enough, he passed me coming out of T1. i chased him for the first 200m or so, and then he just left me in the dust. i was riding izzy the (*new*) ridley. such an awesome bike.

there's one part of the 14 mile ride that makes an almost less than 90 degree turn, and goes straight up. didn't know that. translation, couldn't make it out of my big ring. couldn't gain enough momentum, and i don't have the bike skills, yet. further translation, dropped my chain. figures. i just laughed. on the plus side, i got out of my big ring. i even said that out loud and just giggled at my own joke. i always have my own audience, it's nice.

the ride is 2 loops, goes right by an airport. it was awesome. LOTS of newbies, one asshole played leapfrog with me the whole time, and kept passing me on the right. it was getting really really old. i come back by the airport again the second time where it's super flat. i decide to drop my big ring and spin it out, pick up my cadence for awhile. what happens? drop my chain. AGAIN. this time, no laughing. i was pissed. i'd just climbed another hill, passed all kinds of people. sonofabitch. luckily i think i passed most of them again. dave's max speed was 45mph. on my bike, on this massively long downhill, i had to of hit at least that. it was awesome. you'd think crashing like i did would have me worried, and in some ways it does, but not of speed.

in T2 i of course spotted dave's bike. threw on my brace and was gone. took me FOREVER to reach the first mile marker. i'm out of shape, i knew it. i had to run walk a lot of it, couldn't find a good, steady pace. i've somehow lost my HR monitor watch, so i can only listen to my heart, and it was all over the place. the hills didn't help. passed dave before mile 2 going the other way. mile 3 came way too fast, had to be mis-marked. met dave at the finish line, he ran with me for a bit. and FINALLY got my pumpkin pie. as it turns out, i was only 5 minutes slower on the bike than dave was. and that was WITH TWO stops for chain malfunction. sweet.

in my life, things are well. i'm desperately in need of a different job. i can't work 12s anymore and live a life. 12 hour work days translates to 14 hour days. that's not conducive to training, to living. i've got to find something new. our new apartment is amazing. great views. hope to have a housewarming party in a month or two. consider yourself caught up.

food for thought?

certain times/locations of my life have been punctuated by food and music. song comes on, i can tell you exactly where i was when it came out. in my travels as a nurse and previously unhappy wife, music and food are how i remember where i've been.

clovis - chicken fajitas. i'd make a huge batch of them, and then use the 'goods' to make quesadillas later. i loved the smell of browning the sliced onion in olive oil and garlic. yum. / usher. lil' jon. i was deep into rap and r&b, even had a subwoofer in the trunk of my vw jetta. yes sirreee. nursing school = lots of alcohol, lots of clubbing. well, i use the term 'clubbing' loosely - mostly it was just going to the one bar, but every weekend.

dallas - chick-fil-a and pei wei. chicken nuggets with waffle fries and mongolian chicken, respectively. i was working nights, incredibly depressed and didn't really give a shit about what i ate. / music is a blur.

shreveport - moe's southwestern grill (akin to chipotle here in cali), every time with the chicken nachos. came in a HUGE serving with nacho cheese plus shredded cheese, chunks of chicken with black beans. goodness. oh and frozen fish sticks. with tartar sauce made of miracle whip and dill relish. / vivian green and keyshia cole. easy. 'was it worth it' and 'emotional rollercoaster'.

fairbanks - this is when the depression really kicked in, and i went straight to the hard stuff. carrot cake. homemade. with homemade cream cheese frosting. i'd make an entire cake, and instead of leaving it covered out on the counter, i'd put it outside. where it would freeze. i did this in attempt to control my eating of said goodness. didn't work. i figured out that as long as you had a really hot knife, you can easily cut into a rock solid carrot cake. and frozen cream cheese frosting, oh. my. god. / timbaland, justin timberlake, nelly furtado, omarion. 'icebox' and 'what goes around comes around'. very dark time. very vindictive time.

albuquerque - chocolate frosting. in the tub. with colored sugar sprinkles. i'd sit there watching tv, take a bite and drink it down with really cold milk. it's a wonder i wasn't 300lbs. i went through probably 1-2 tubs a week. it's sick. / music here was replaced with tv. lots of sopranos, lots of big love, just about any series on hbo i was addicted to. again, 300lbs?

san antonio - my buddy claudia and i, sitting by the pool for 4 out of 7 days. great tan that summer. puffy tacos. beer. and strawberry margaritas. puffy tacos are amazing. made a very lame attempt at adopting salads as a meal, lasted maybe a week. ice cold beer while floating down the comal river in a tube. perfection. did i say puffy tacos? / katy perry. 'i kissed a girl'.

new orleans - m&ms. i'd keep 'em in the fridge. eat a couple at a time. ok, handful at a time. went through like a medium bag a week. and tuna fish salad. got there right after hurricane gustav, and the walmart wasn't yet stocked (didn't become stocked for WEEKS). they'd cleared out all the frozen/refrigerated food, so tuna fish and m&m's it was. / lil' wayne. 'mrs officer', basically the entire carter III cd was crazy. and on blast the entire assignment.

los angeles - the first assignment: dominoes. their chicken alfredo pasta and cinnastix. luckily i found triathlon towards the end of that first assignment, so all this is history. 30lbs later...

one is plenty, thank you

so let's just tally up the week shall we?

8800m in the pool. 2+ hours spent on my trainer. lost count of the actual bike miles. 2 ocean swims. 5 hours of running. today alone: 60 min ride, 30 min run, 45 min ride, 20 min run, 15 min balls out ride, 10 min run. started the week with celebration, a teammate's Hell Week was over. haven't laughed that hard in quite a long time. but some genius plots were hatched that night, complete with lamb's asses, midgets, phallic shaped overgrown meat-stuffed vegetables, and tutus. oh the plans we concoct.

today's workout, in short, AMAZING. i've never had that much fun during a workout. for half of the first ride, i was with eve. in true 'us' fashion, those 30 minutes flew by and it was quickly time for me to turn around. my second ride was much faster mph. all because some girl thought she could pass me at the beginning of a hill. which she could, and did. but it wouldn't remain that way. i'm too damn competitive. the minute she started to struggle up the hill, i was all over her ass. and then some. i waved when i finally passed her going the other way. tacky? probably. humorous, uh yeah. ironically i was going to tell my coach after this weekend that i wanted to work on speed on my bike. after today, specifically after hunting that beotch down (no, i don't know that she's a beotch per se, she's probably a very nice girl, but on PCH, she's the competition = beotch), i know i'm getting faster. especially up hills. and i haven't really even done hill work yet. that makes me giggle, the evil giggle.

all the pool time this week has been awesome. i've truly embraced/cherished my last week of unemployment btw. 7200m of that came out of 2 workouts alone. great workouts. kicked my ass and i loved it. yesterday i finally broke 1:40 on my 100 time. 1:35 actually. granted that 1:35 essentially nailed the coffin in what was the remainder of my workout, but still, i hit a 1:35. my form still needs some tweeking. either my form has improved, or i've become quite efficient with bad habits. regardless, i can get from point A to point B faster.

my run, eh. it's still there. we've definitely rounded 3rd, possibly on the homestretch. possibly. heart rate is officially under control. i've learned tricks. of the heart rate variety. amongst others. but pertinent to this, of the heart rate variety. i wouldn't go so far as to say i still LOVE running, the honeymoon was over when the pain in my Achilles began. oh and i was chased by a skunk this week. i shit you not. it was a late-r in the evening run some night this week - don't ask me which one. down here in the barrio that is my 'hood. which made me remember that i'm afraid of skunks. i was chased by an evil possessed (no, that's not redundant, you can be possessed by crazy/stupid or you can be possessed by evil - this skunk was evil) skunk when i was a kid. of course i was also bit by a goose, stomped on by a horse, and chased constantly by a goat as a child too, but the skunk was all that's stuck with me. ironically i was raised alongside a skunk. don't read that every day do ya? stick with me kid, i'll show ya all kinds of things...

and for the record, charrissa's mind can only be blown one time per week. ONE TIME PER WEEK PEOPLE. i'm at a surplus of 3 right now. and we still have one more day in this week. three of the four mind-blowing events occurred during conversations over meals today. maybe tomorrow i shouldn't eat...that's the plan. i'll just drink. drinking is good. beer makes everything better. wine works too, but 'better' comes faster and that's not always the wisest way to go. fun, oh hell yes, wise, no.

giving up to gain

the lesson for today, boys and girls, is that sometimes you have to let go in order to receive. you have to give up to gain. 

i am proud to announce that i have experienced a tremendous amount of growth in the last week - personally, athletically, hopefully even professionally. i'm a control freak. i openly admit it. i like to have things my way, i've been single for a long time now, and i cherish my freedom. maybe too much. probably too much. i cherish the aspect of my 'freedom' that allows me to not do the dishes if i don't feel like it (ok, well, load the dishwasher). or not do laundry until i'm void of clean underwear. to be ok with that not-quite-right-almost-downright-nasty smell coming from my refrigerator. or take a nap in the middle of the day because i can. so when growth of any sort (except the kind that can be used for medicinal purposes, ie. mold in the 'frige) occurs in my life, it's all but monumental.

i let go of someone incredibly important in my life to gain 2 incredibly important people

this one is a little more personal, but a huge growth for me. long story short, and in attempt to respect all parties involved, i've given up (ok, so i kinda was forced, but i could've been an asshole about it and i wasn't) (ok, so i was an asshole for about 12 hours or so, but then i got over it) a romantic endeavor to allow 2 others to possibly find love, and in the process have gained 2 oh-so-important friends. friends that i'll have for many many years to come, i can say that without a doubt. i'm a brat. i'm essentially an only child (explains so much doesn't it?) and i can just flat out be an asshole if i don't get my way. i know that about myself. i'm working on it. but in this particular case, it took an unbiased party to bring my asshole views to light for me. i'm not happy about it taking someone else to show me the err in my ways, but i was able to fix the situation in a timely manner while omitting any permanent damage. which i am so thankful for. i am nervous for the way this will all go, but i am relieved that all the lines of communication are open, and am actually a tiny bit excited to see what the future holds. that's pretty damn positive, even for me.

i let go of my ego to possibly get a job

i'm a travel nurse. which means there's about 1000 travel companies out there, all trying to pimp me out. and i'm a damn good ho (a post for a different time, but trust me, you could learn a thing or two from me, i've got all kinds of tricks up my sleeve) - currently i have about 6 different recruiters working for me, finding me jobs all across the country. when i was in new orleans, i dealt with a very bad manager. there was a 'situation' that occurred, and i didn't feel as though my recruiter on that job stood up for me, nor do i feel she respected my wishes. the first chance i got (which was the end of that contract), i went with a different company/recruiter. i've now been unemployed for almost 8 weeks. i'm so far past "beside myself" it's not even funny. so tuesday i swallowed my pride and called my old recruiter. and by friday evening i was nailing the shit out of an interview. i will know shortly if i have the job for sure...

i let go of my own fiendish desire to enrich the life of someone else

today was the strawberry fields triathlon. when i realized i was physically way past ready to do a tri, i tried to register for it, but it was closed. i was pissed. i was jealous, so jealous that everyone else was getting to race this weekend. i could've signed up to work for the LATC as a volunteer, but selfishly decided against it - if i wasn't racing, i didn't want to be there, me being my typical brat self. and then came along karen. we met friday morning for breakfast, because i knew it was her first tri, and i also knew she was a wreck. when i first thought about being there for karen, i was honestly worried. i didn't know what i could do, i haven't been at this for very long, hell, i haven't even had my first tri yet. but i let that go, and decided that regardless, i'm told on a weekly basis that i don't act like i haven't been doing this for years. and karen needed support, and i knew she would succeed, but i had seen that flash of doubt in her eyes over oatmeal and french toast and an appearance by steven weber friday morning. being there for her, it could've blown up in my face, but i felt safe enough, and i had enough resources/people available to me that if i got in over my head (and therefore us), i could get us out. the result, absolutely amazing. i don't think i've ever been that happy to see someone succeed in all my life. the minute she crossed the finish line, all i could think of was getting her picture because she was going to want to remember that moment for the rest of her life. after i got those pics, i could only hug her and cry. i gained so much today. i learned so much today. i learned how to read people. i learned how to see fear before it's expressed. i learned that i have a knack for coaching. i learned that i can yell incredibly loud. i learned why people love to coach, because at times, it's so much more to be a part of someone else's success than to create your own alone. i also learned that i have a new hunger for triathlon. i want to soak up as much as i can in the next couple of months. i want to be a coach of some type within the tri world, possibly within the next year. i am good at helping people find their own strengths, something that beginners must have in order to progress successfully and confidently. i look forward to seeing how i'm able to further contribute to TNS.

i let go of my own (false) sense of control to find a love of running AND (so i'm told) you have to slow down to speed up

yes, feel free to re-read that. especially if you've read any of my previous blogs. if you haven't read my previous running blogs, you should do so now. don't worry. i'll wait...

done? have you always read that slow? ok, let's proceed. ;-)

my problem in my running has been the fact that i couldn't control my heart rate. i couldn't run any slower, and my heart rates were way too high to allow me to sustain any sort of consistency. or comfort. i always had to walk. and when i say 'always', i mean every fucking run workout i have done in the last 4 months, with the exception of ONE, i have had to walk. if you've never had that problem, i can't even begin to tell you what it does to your ego, to your confidence, to your every workout every day. the way it all turns out, and the reason i threw the word 'false' into this subtitle is because my sense of control was absolutely misplaced. if not non-existent to begin with. last weekend my coach and i had an absolute breakthrough conversation, for the both of us, i feel safe saying. after that talk, i gave up every last bit of control i had, and just let it all go. it was partially a conscious decision, and partially a decision made out of sheer exhaustion at not being able to accomplish my goals on my own. wednesday i went out for a run, scheduled to be out for 1:15. the goal per coach, keep your HR in zones 2-3. my goal: keep my HR 130-150 as i'm lazy and really amazingly bad at calculating percentages, so i have yet to assign numerical values to my prescribed zones. the result, i was able to  be out there for 1:16, i had to walk 4 times for maybe a combined total of 10 yards in order to bring my HR down under 155, and WTF? i was able to enjoy myself. i found my 'forever' pace. something i used to view as an oxymoron. honestly. it was a snail's pace, no denying it. hell, those times i did have to walk, i shit you not, i initially felt nothing when i started my 'jog' back up again. but the goal was to control my mind and control my heart, and to make those 2 organs work in unison. mission accomplished. huge success. tonight, not even a week later, and after obvious dehydration today (who has time to hydrate when you're screaming your lungs out, flirting shamelessly - which is especially taxing i might add, and running your ass off back and forth between transitions and finish lines???), as well as lack of nutrition, i was able to duplicate wednesday's results. well, actually i did better. i NEVER walked this 4.6 miles, i did it WITH 11 0:30 sets of pickups interspersed in there. and i kept my HR under control. ginormous success. tonight proved that wednesday wasn't a fluke. on tonight's run/jog i started worrying/stressing (no, it never ends, smartass) about how this damn near crawl of a jog i've adopted can possibly translate into running faster, but my coach has yet to lead me astray. 

it's very seldom that my life revolves around a common theme - or maybe it happens more often and i'm too stupid to realize it. but when it does, it's even more rare that that theme is a positive one. i'm a cynic, 100% bona fide, card-carrying cynic. but now, i'm relieved, i'm hopeful, i'm surprised, i'm exhausted. oh, and i'm absolutely CRAVING my next race. the santa barbara triathlon august 22 and 23. especially since i found out there will be cowboy boots and a cowboy hat involved...should make for an interesting weekend. hope eve is ready!!!!

my ride

after much deliberation, i've finally named my ride. TAUNTO. it's a dual-meaning name, really. on the one hand, it's an ode to my home, new mexico, from where we both originated. ahhh the mexicans. gotta love 'em. right? maybe that's a judgement call. the other, and more cocky meaning - he's taunting you. that last part, well we'll just have to see. but we're both very hopeful. 

taunto is about 6 years old, all specialized goodness. shimano ultegra components. taunto has a flaming neon orange aluminum frame with hot silver writing and a black/silver checkered carbon fork. quick release tires. a white 'I heart LA' sticker adorns the top bar - the heart, of course is a bike chain in the shape of a heart - taunto expects the best. he has a black leather covered seat of which i'm no longer able to read the brand. the leather is missing in sections, showing its soft cushiony foam underbelly. taunto's right handlebar curiously curls just slightly to the inside. it's endearing. taunto has a bell on the stem, which used to have a picture of a unicorn. the bell no longer has the sticker, nor the ringer pull-lever mechanism. the only way to make the bell ring is to knock on it with another metal object. taunto has not one, not two, but THREE different bento boxes. one for just behind the stem, and the other 2 we switch out depending on what kind of load we're carrying that day. 

the story of taunto's coming to be is as interesting as his name. taunto was built in a land far, far away, most likely under the watchful and slanted eye of some asian. good work sir. taunto was then sent to a bike shop in albuquerque, nm. where it was quickly stolen. serial numbers, who needs 'em? NOT TAUNTO!!! shortly thereafter, taunto showed up at a pawn shop in my hometown of grand 'ole clovis, nm. my loving father bought taunto at quite a cheap price (don't worry taunto, you're worth so much more, i know, i know) in attempt to coax me into riding with him. didn't work. i didn't appreciate taunto at the time. taunto was just a bastard bike, a means to inflict pain on myself. but not anymore. oh no.

the taunto of today, well now he's all growned up. the nice folks at helen's spiffed him up. gave him new gray tape to bring out his silver undertones. he got a new cateye, which sometimes works, other times not so much. wouldn't expect anything less from taunto. some nifty front and rear lights for when taunto wants to give me a ride at night...*blush*

taunto is quite the quirky little fucker. he loves to go fast, especially downhill, but he tends to whine along the way. he doesn't much care for wet roads. he's yet to have a flat tire, well, unassisted that is. shout out to coach b. taunto loves to be cleaned, he shines with happiness when the white lightening comes out. 

up next for taunto: a new chain, especially after last weekend's 100 miler. and new tires. we were recently told that taunto's mighty fine spokes are too much so to carry his rider's fat ass for much longer. bummer. new aerobars, soon to be installed. and a few new stickers. 'i heart taunto' or 'taunto says fuck you' or 'taunto says back the fuck up'...those are just a few ideas being bounced around at the moment...

i have big plans for taunto, and i'm sure he has big plans for me. so long as he keeps me alive, i'll show him lots of good PCH fun. that's our deal, we've already agreed.

introduction

so i’ve decided to start a blog. not a decision i came to easily i might add. i’ve thought about it for awhile now, would anyone read it? what the hell would i write about? i came up with a pro/con list, as any savvy decision-maker would. looks like this so far:

con one - i mean how pretentious do you have to be, to think anyone out there gives a shit? 

con two - once it’s out there, you can’t take it back. i mean, there goes your shot at the oval office. 

con three - i tend to have a warped/twisted sense of humor. i could see my posts as a huge clusterfuck of four-letter words, parentheses trapping my thought-process-explanation in every other sentence, rambling tangents run amuck. (could be fun) 

pro one - it’s kind of a modern, cheap form of therapy. sweet. 

pro two - it would be a challenge, to actually spin my life into something someone out there in the great beyond would actually want to read. 

pro three - well, just see 'con three' above. 

i actually asked a few friends their views on blogs/bloggers. the major census: keep it entertaining. well THAT, i can do. let's get started, shall we?

decided to kick this off with a discussion of my name. my mother, love her to death, is one helluva complicated woman. could she have given me a 'simple' name? no. sara? too easy. lynn? not in the cards. i think she now realizes that naming me 'charrissa', she set me up for the rest of my life. i've always liked my name, believe it or not. in my earlier days, it had to be shortened. no way around it. 'reece' or 'recee' ('bratchild' was sometimes thrown into the mix, but that's for another time) were my nicknames throughout grade school, and even into college. then one day in college, in my sorority monday night meeting, i became fed up. my name was 'charrissa' and dammit, that's what i was to be called. so there i stood, in front of 20 other girls, slowly pronouncing my name, making them repeat after me. true story. it's no wonder i didn't get my ass whooped more as a kid. very few people ever pronounce it correctly, and if they do, they're foreign citizens. hearing my name pronounced wrong, oh it drives me insane. and those people who pronounce it incorrectly and just keep on truckin', those people really piss me off. seriously? it's not an easy name, and did you not just notice the 'WTF??' face i just gave you? how 'bout at least asking me for clarification? i rant about this, but it's funny; i very seldom ever correct people when they f up my name. it's weird. it's uncomfortable for me, it makes them feel stupid. i don't like doing it. my thoughts on it, if they're going to be in my life for any time longer then one day, someone else can correct them. not me. not big on forced awkward situations. case in point - karaoke bars. hate them, can't stand it, won't go. comedy clubs for the same reason.  but i digress. for the record: sha-ree-ssa is the correct pronunciation of my oh-so-complicated name. and don't get me started - 'charrissa jones'?? i'm aware, it sounds as if i should be some big-assed, black girl with more attitude than can fit through the door. '2 out of 3 ain't bad' someone wise once said. some old friends still call me by my old nicknames, endearing. a new friend has randomly started calling me 'ris. i've adopted it, i've become one with it. so, in summary, if you see me in the street, and can't remember how the f to pronounce my name, don't worry, as it turns out, i can't remember names for shit. so just smile and nod, and keep on walkin'.