drained.

so i had my MRI last wednesday. on friday, i (quite illegally) concocted a scheme to get ahold of my doc. it worked brilliantly, and i was able to talk with him directly. and that's when i heard those words 'yep, i want to put a drain in.'. i felt like i was on autopilot, like i was a nurse talking about a patient, asking him what kind of anesthetic would be needed, how many drains, where the procedure would take place, etc. it was very surreal. after that call, i called dave, and told him the news. that's when i fell apart. at work no less.

another drain. at least one, won't know for sure until we literally get in there. he said that we will 'give it awhile' and if it doesn't 'work', we will go back in (surgery) and figure out what's going on. so, tomorrow morning, dave and i will get up at 5am to make it to ronald reagan by 6:30 to have another drain placed in my leg.

i'm strikingly ambivalent about this entire development. and that scares me. i'm up in the air about how i feel about it, what to wish for as far as outcome, and what to even expect. i remember thinking that for sure, last time i had jp drains in, i flat out couldn't work. i just couldn't. having that much movement all day long, being constantly afraid someone will run into me, or i clumsily run into something or someone. and yet now, i will have to work. how?? how the hell am i going to work with this thing in my leg? a couple of weeks ago i was floated to PICU and involved with a code on a 10 year old boy. he was so big that i found the only way to do accurate and successful chest compressions was to literally get on his bed and straddle him, tv drama style. i couldn't do that with a drain in my leg. i just couldn't. the pain, the movement, the lack of focus on anything but my leg, it's just not feasible.

and what do i wish for? do i hope that this works? if i do hope that this works, that means it will have to be in for quite awhile, since it's been just over 2 months since my last surgery. 2+ months with a drain in my leg?! i will literally go crazy. literally. but how else will we know if it 'works' if we don't wait long enough to see if it comes back? on the other hand, if i just wait for the surgery to come, that means that i'll have to have SURGERY. AGAIN. again they'll have to put me to sleep. again i could have to stay overnight at that damn hospital. again i'll have a massive, ugly, body shaping scar.

i have guilt. i feel guilty for continually blogging about being pissed off, or in pain, or in question of everything. i have guilt for bringing dave into all of this, for he is purely an innocent bystander. yes, he's there for me by choice. but it's not fair for him to keep having to endure me, and my drama. i have guilt for not being a good employee, a dependable one at least, since all of this keeps coming back around. i have guilt as a daughter, because my parents have enough going on in their lives. i feel guilt for not wanting to train. at all. i feel guilt for being so disgustingly jealous of dave's ability to train that it hurts.

i feel like everyone's life around me just keeps moving on, moving forward, while my stupid health keeps evolving, finding a new way to slap me in the face and hold me back from life. i don't have enough in me right now to be angry. angry with the one person who has brought all this upon me. i just don't have it left in me. that's not to say i won't, again, maybe tomorrow or the next day. but right now, i'm drained. how ironic.

identity crisis

i seem to be having one lately. an identity crisis that is. i'm having a hard time trying to figure out where to go from here. i realized yesterday that i don't really want to start training again. for more than one reason, but one of the biggies is that another mass has formed on my leg. just below where the other one was, which was removed now almost 2 months ago. i went in for an MRI today, to determine what the fluid is, blood or otherwise. the plan from there varies. it could go from placing another drain in the office (can you say ouch?), or full blown surgery again. and of course trying to find out that decision from my doc will be something akin to deciphering the meaning of stonehenge. my doc's secretary, the one who keeps him in line and makes sure he's doing what he needs to be doing, is out of town all week. not to mention the fact that i work tomorrow. alas, i will try at every chance i get to call him, so keep your fingers crossed.

because i'm completely ambivalent about training right now, it's been a struggle to watch dave's training come into full swing since IMAZ is just around the corner. he's enlisted some help from a mutual friend, and i'm seeing some of the same workouts i did last summer pop up in his workout schedule. it's a very weird, and completely unfair situation. dave and i met because of triathlon. if i'm no longer involved in it, if i don't have that desire anymore, what happens? i know the answer, of course, is nothing. we will continue just as we are, with no real harm done to our relationship. but i still worry. because i don't have enough things to worry about, you know.

i've been recently trying to get into yoga. for the longest time, through most of last season actually, i wanted to get into yoga, even went so far as to find all the yoga places around me in woodland hills, but i never went. dave and i went to a free intro workshop class out here on my last weekend off, and really enjoyed it. so that's been good for me. luckily, i've lost a few pounds. work has done me wonders in that department. i try to stick to a schedule of eating every 3-4 hours or so, because if i miss one of those slots during the day, it will be hours until the next chance rolls around. i've increased my water intake dramatically.

i so dearly want to want to start training again. i have a little voice in the back of my head telling me to sign up for Oceanside. i'm still dragging my feet on ordering a new bike. and i can't pinpoint why. so i've half-heartedly decided not to go forward with that until i decide why i'm so hesitant (blind leading the blind?). i think it's ok, for now, that i'm in a holding pattern. the thought of riding my bike alone scares the bejesus out of me. that's new. i say it's new, but i can't really say that for sure. dave and i were so quick to get me riding again after all the bullshit happened, and then after the surgery. but it was a 'we' effort, and we were riding with groups of people for most of those rides. now, i have days off that i could conceivably go out and ride, but i'm scared shitless to do it alone. walking hurts my leg, even if i use compression shorts; running is still a joke if walking is still a no. and i'm too self-conscious of this damn mass on my leg to muster up the courage to don a bathing suit and hit the pool. so, instead, i am getting this wonderful house together and going to yoga on my days off. i plan on riding with dave this weekend, so we will see how that goes. but i'm trying my damndest not to stress about it. even though deep down, i feel like my identity is completely up in the air at this point, and i don't know which label to even attempt to catch. one way or another, it will come to me.