race report - breath of life

32:15 / 1:32 / nada for a 1500m / 40k / 10k

you read right. nada.

dave and i got to ventura bright and early that morning. we snagged a great parking spot literally across the street from transition (which was shortlasting). i hit the portajohn immediately, and had much success. ran into a lot of triclubbers along the way, and just kept telling them that i was just there, and my goal was to make it at least one lap of the run.

in transition i felt like an old lady. it seemed like forever that i've set up a transition area. had a little bit of drama in transition, regarding some dumb tall girl wanting cortney haile to move her bike and transition area over so she could have more room. of course i had to get involved, i couldn't let it go, and ended up, as nicely as possible, informing the girl that she would have all the room in the world in T1 because cortney would podium this race. yeah, that didn't go over very well. in fact, there were tears. she sadly cried on her hubby's shoulder. it was comical. i felt a little bad, but only because i had just laid down the gauntlet for cortney. she now had to represent...

originally they announced the water temp to be 60. this did not make me a happy girl. dave and i got my schtuff together and headed down waterside. that was when it was announced that our oh-so-awesome parking spot was indeed illegal, and that we were minutes away from being towed. sorry dave.

you remember how much i bitched last year at this race about the mile long trek up and over the sand dune? well, they changed the venue this year. this time it was a 3/4 mile trek up and over the sand dune...bastards. i convinced myself to get back into my old tried and true practice of getting into the water twice before the gun went off. then they announced the water was in fact 67 degrees. yeah, so they lied, twice. the water temp wasn't 67 degrees. my slightly chilly toes would have guessed 65 or so, maybe a bit lower. during my 'warmup' acclimating strokes, the water was so shallow that i kept hitting my hands on the sand under the water during my stroke. that was annoying. plus, the way the course went off, we started on the right side of the area, and swam directly to the opposite side, in the shallow strand. dumb. the entire swim course was retarded. it took you out into the harbor, and turned you around. it wasn't well marked, but even if it was well marked, it would've been more confusing. at least last year the swim was marked short so we all got out thinking we were awesome swimmers...

i had a personal growth experience in the start shoot, my second for the day. my first was befriending someone i'd previously written off as a lost cause. the second was letting go of an old grudge. so regardless, i was making this day a good one.

there were only about 50 of us pink cappers. my wave was 39 & under. dumb. i just stayed towards the back of the shoot since i knew i wasn't going to be running into the water. the gun went off, and i jogged. the first buoy was maybe a 100m away, and my arms were tired BEFORE reaching it. yeah, this wasn't going to be a fast swim. i got kicked. and i hit her back. by the time we made the turn into the actual harbor, i shit you not, i was the last pink capper (minus the stragglers of course). that's not a very comfortable feeling for me, being the last of the group. there was one girl in front of me, so i tried to stay on her feet. didn't work very well, as i'm absolutely not adept at that skill.

for some reason, my entire herd was sticking to the left side of the harbor, although the turnaround buoy was to the middle/right side of the harbor. including the girl i was chasing. i got passed by a couple red capped people before the turnaround. eh. whatever. i hit the turnaround before my prey did. after the turnaround, there was one buoy and then nothing for forever. this meant we had from the first person going the other way on our right all the way to the rocky side on our lefts to swim. which made it impossible to figure out where you stood in the pack without just stopping altogether and lifting your head out of the water. i flipped to the backstroke for one stroke to see where my prior prey was, and she was way back there. that made me happy. by the last 3 buoys, i noticed more pink cappers among me. and i raced them. i stood up after passing 2 more, and started jogging and stripping. i got to the end of the start shoot where dave was waiting for me, and i started walking. hence my 32 min 1500m, as the timing mat was just shy of T1. dave says my actual swim time was 29min or so. eh. whatever. dave also told me later that yes, indeed i was the last of my group starting out, but that i'd managed to finish right in the middle of my pack. interesting...

T1 took me absolutely forever. i'm not real sure why either. it just took a lifetime. it's not like i was in a race or anything. but it's a little heartbreaking to come into a rack with 3 bikes left. that sucked.

bike roadkill count: 3 bunnies, 3 birds, and 1 possum. mind you, the bike course was 3 laps, so that might have something to do with it...

the bike was long. and it sucked. my bike comp measured it out to 25.01 miles, not 24. would've been nice knowing that going into it. that 1 mile makes a big difference mentally, at least it did for me. it was 3 laps of a big rectangle, with timing mats on the 2nd leg of the rectangle. the first lap was ok, but i didn't believe i was going to do 3 laps of that course. the wind seemed to be against me on all but 1 leg (and of course that couldn't be the longer leg). by the beginning of the second lap i was already contemplating bailing before the 3rd and getting out onto the run course. i knew i wasn't going to finish the whole thing anyway, and i really wanted to make it out on the run course somehow. let me tell ya, it was so disheartening to come to that last leg of your 2nd lap with a herd, only to have them continue straight and you have to turn for your 3rd lap. that's when i realized if nothing else, i wanted to complete 2 legs of this race as opposed to 1 full leg and 2 half-assed legs. so i decided to press on. by the time i was coming in for my bike finish, i swear to you, there were 4 of us left out there, all alone. didn't make much sense to me. and that's when i started wondering how many people actually did 3 laps...last year a lot of people had incompletes for shorting the bike course...

riding along the bike finish, i really doubted my ability to get out on the run course. my legs were tired, although my heart and lungs were fine. i thought about going out and just doing what i could do, and then i realized this race so far was more continuous movement than i've had in 3+ months. maybe that was enough. so when i came across dave in the median, i told him i was done. he didn't really seem to believe me. i asked the 'gatekeepers' coming into T2 if he could help me with my bike, as i was injured and just wasn't feeling well. they told me where the med tent was, and i laughed. if only...we racked my bike, and in trying to get my bike shoes off, i lost my balance for a split second, and dave immediately called it quits on my race day. he thinks he's so tough...

and then we walked my timing chip over to the finish line. as it turns out, the timing mats coming out of T2 were actually on the other side, where the run began, so that's why the timing company didn't register my bike. hate that. we saw a couple other triclubbers in that area, and i had to explain over and over like an idiot why i didn't make it out on the run. seemed to gather a little sympathy, and that just pissed me off. i appreciated the 'i can't believe you're even out here' response, but that kind of irritated me too. at the same time, a lot of the people who said those things to me don't truly know me, don't truly know my character. to those who do, they totally were NOT surprised when i told them i was racing this weekend. so be it. support is support, and i've got so much of it from the triclubbers. and for that i'm so truly thankful.

and whatdyaknow, cortney took 1st in our age group. phew! saved my ass. we both took our sweet time in transition afterwards so as to rub it in a little to the crybaby, but alas, we didn't get the chance. she must've had a slow run day...i know, i'm going to hell. but dave will be there too. i'll be surrounded by good company.

all-in-all i was pleased with my performance. we had a nice day afterwards and i wasn't too tired. we napped, but i was able to do chores around the house that evening. i had some soreness and pain throughout the day that i had to medicate for, but i guess that's to be expected. i know now that if i had gone out on the run, my leg would have been very sore and swollen the next day, so i'm 98% sure i made the right decision in bailing...

here's a schnazzy little video dave put together from the race. he's a little too excited about his new iphone 4...

http://gallery.me.com/levasseur227/100271

am i in?

oddly, i've asked myself that question a couple times lately. currently, that question refers to a job. i'm literally sitting here looking at my phone, waiting for my recruiter to call me back about an offer i received to return to work at my old job, the one i was at just before the 'accident'. i'm hoping they'll accept my start date, which is a little over a week away (the one i've thrown out there, anyway).

another avenue - am i in the frame of mind to return to work? i don't know about that one. i'm still struggling with it, but i don't think i'll know for sure until i actually go in that first day. 12 hour shifts are long days. i applied for a few jobs yesterday that would be of a more office/paperwork focus, but those are state jobs which take a friggin' act of congress to land. i also worry about my ability right now to deal with the amount of stress related to my job.

yet another - am i in, as in mentally aware, of anything. that answer is definitely no. that one's easy at least.

and lastly - am i in, in reference to - is my ass in the seat before i shut the car door on it? because i have no feeling, so i have to make a visual check now every time i get into a car. yeah, that one's a fun one.

i started looking at my blogs of late, and i saw a very dark theme. i'm an asshole. the depression has set in, and has dug its claws into my consciousness. it seems to have rooted itself into the convolutions of my twisted brain. exercise is helping, but i rarely find the motivation to do it when it's just me at home now. dave has returned to work, and even when he came home from his first day, i was overwhelmingly jealous. his professional life was resuming, whereas mine was stationed firmly on my couch, alongside my half-numb ass. it's not fair, and it's bullshit. 'it's not fair' is something that continues to play through my mind as well, over and over. which pisses me off. i want to get out of the whole 'woe is me' frame of mind. it's not that i feel sorry for myself, because i don't. i know i wasn't doing anything wrong. despite that fact, my entire life has been thrown off track. that's the part i'm having a hard time swallowing. i know, i know. life isn't fair. but mine was damn good before all this. yes, it's still damn good, but i'm tired of the restrictions. and the worry. it's exhausting.

way past crazy

that's me. way past crazy. so far beyond crazy, there's a chance 'normal' will never been seen again.

my last drain was pulled friday. by some random doc, not my normal one. i wasn't happy. she told me it might be a little soon to pull it, and that if the area started swelling afterwards, i might have to come back to have it 'drained' again. and sure enough, i now have swelling, in new areas. and a constant yellow/orange stream of fluid running down my leg. when we go somewhere, i cover it with gauze and tape, but 2 hours (or less) later, it starts leaking onto my clothes. so, as a nurse, i started thinking that maybe some manual expression from the area would help expedite the process. but now my entire thigh is sore from that.

i was able to swim sunday. i slapped on a huge tegaderm (one of those clear filmy things they put over IV sites) over my leg wounds and prayed it would stay sealed through the swim. we intended to do 1/2 mile. but soon we found ourselves going out with the mile group, for one reason or another. i was only able to do the freestyle stroke; i was afraid to do the breaststroke because it involves frog kicks, and i didn't want to be shaking my dressing against my wetsuit. unfortunately breaststroke is my go-to stroke when my arms tire from the free. dave stayed with me, and at about the 1/2 mile mark, after repeated 'rest stops' on my part, dave called it quits for us. a wise choice, but a bummer. i could've made it, but my arms were tired, and the last thing i needed was going around the pier even remotely tired. so we walked the rest of the mile back. and then we played in the surf. the tegaderm was adequate; about an hour after the swim my leg had leaked so much fluid the entire folded 4x4 was soaked through, and the dressing seemed to be losing some elasticity.

i've gained a nice amount of weight through all this. so much so that my wetsuit has numerous cracks in it now. that, in and of itself has me going nuts. which doesn't help anything. i can't walk very quickly because there's still a lot of extra fluid in my leg, and walking fast jostles that fluid around, which is painful. i find myself stepping in-organically (sure, that's a word) so as to minimize the jostle, which can't be good for form, or any of my other joints for that matter. i can't ride because i don't have a bike. and i can't seem to bring myself to a pool. i think it's because pools are much more of an intimate setting, and i'm embarrassed about my leg. it looks awful, and i've very self conscious. not to mention the added weight all around.

dave has been offered and has accepted a new position, which we are absolutely thrilled about. the only temporary downside - we have to move. it's a 100+ mile trip, one way right now. so, we're looking for a new place to live. i'm completely excited about that. i feel living out here in the valley has put us out of the tri loop, in a way. granted, we'll still be 20 miles from the coast, but i'm hoping for the best. there's some argument over renting a house versus apartment between the 2 of us, so we're trying to get that figured out. originally we wanted to be moved by the time he went to work, but seeing as how his start date is now a week away, that goal is slipping away quickly. real estate agents aren't the best at getting back to you, we're finding.

as for my job situation, i should be released from my latest doc within 2 weeks or so. of course, in the nicu travel world, that doesn't exactly mean that i'll go right back to work. i'll have to find a job, which my recruiter is looking for. not knowing where we will be living isn't really helping that issue though.

so, as you can see, i'm a barrel of fun lately. i'm thinking about taking up drinking...