it's coming

my 'A' race that is.

oceanside is upon me. somehow it finally got here. i'm nervous as hell. i believe i am ready, but i'm still very, very nervous. i think the hardest part will be the swim. my swim is more than lacking at this point, and 1.2 miles is a ways to go when you're not quite there on your swimming. i just dread going to the pool these days. hate it. i love running, and i'm still pretty wishy-washy about the ride, but the swim i can't stand. i can't stand the idea of plying myself into a damn wetsuit. that's probably where most of it stems from. and the fact that at one point the swim was probably one of my better legs, and now it's just not. when i first starting training for oceanside, i was really worried that my run would be where i'd need the most work; now i know that's not true. i can make that distance. i have a 10 mile run to do tomorrow after a 2.5 hr bike, and there's no doubt i'll be able to do that one. so i have no doubt i'll be able to do the 13.1 miles next saturday. someone once told me they were so afraid of the swim because it was the only real place you could die and be dead for hours before anyone really even knew you were missing. the bike, you go down, there's always someone around you to notice. the run, you can't really run away fast enough that someone doesn't see you going the wrong way. i laughed out loud when i heard this explanation, now it makes total sense to me. i don't think i will die. i have too much fat to be able to sink. but i could see on an extremely cold, terrible day being so exhausted after a 1.2 mile swim that the rest of the day was just a loss. obviously i'm now to that stage where you plan for everything that could possibly go wrong. rain? ok, then i'll have my jacket with me, maybe a change of socks for T2. food because i'm starving? maybe i freeze a snickers overnight the night before and i can put that in my bag so i can then put it in my pocket in T2. hot? drink. and drink some more. pain? i'll have a few aspirin with me in my bag, and possibly in my pocket after i dry out from the swim.

i'm not going to race my fastest race ever. this is my first attempt at this distance. this year, ideally, i'd like to be the year of the 70.3s. i'd like to have a decent finish at this one, do barb's race in july with evey, and then do soma with dave in october. this race is just to prove to my mind and body that i can most definitely do this distance. this is a doable distance for me. there will be suckfest times. i'm sure one of them will be at the start of the swim. another during the uphill climbs of the ride. but from there, i get to run. and no matter how long the run takes me, i will be at least fast enough on the first 2 legs that i'll be able to finish the run before the cutoff. i'm nervous about the cutoff times. i'm nervous about my bike fit. everything on my bike is movable right now. literally. i'll be riding and the damn thing will shift. it's not supposed to do that. i don't know if my bike fit guy hasn't cranked things down tight enough because he thinks we'll still be making some adjustments this week, or because no one really tightens anything when it's attached to carbon, but my fat ass needs some tightening up! hope to get that figured out tomorrow during my second stage bike fit.

ugh. i'm so ready for this damn race to be over with already. i'm tired. not really from training, but from dreading this weekend. right now i'm focused on the race. i'm not at all focusing on the next day, just race day right now. i get through race day, the rest of the weekend is just going to be a breeze. this time next week, i shall be a half ironman.

desert tri - race report

gonna be a quick one - which is ironic since the race most definitely was NOT. so sorry, but Im not posting my final time here (ok it was 3:46) (yes for an oly). it was pitiful. so here's what happened.

Dave and I went down the day before to get checked in, etc. I had a decent workout from the hotel after we got to palm springs. we had a good dinner with some of dave's family friends, and even got a decent night's sleep too. the morning of was pretty uneventful - we got there in plenty of time and got a much better parking spot in the lot instead of all the way around the lake.

I was unbelievably nervous for this race. it was my first official race that I'm able to actually finish. I knew what my race time was last year, and of course I wanted to beat that. at one point Dave even had to talk me down, wasnt in a very good headspace. The swim sucked. I didn't find a comfortable stroke until after I'd passed the first buoy. I watched as more and more caps NOT from my wave passed me. I wasn't ok with it, but I wasn't going to stress about it.

The ride started out really well. I haven't been putting in fast numbers on the bike since I've been back at it, so I knew I just had to get out there and do my best. the first loop went by pretty quickly. even surprised myself. and then the floor fell out. at mile 15 I had a blowout in the back, just after a turn. a very nice cop came over and tried to help me, but inwasnt having it and he didn't known what to do to begin with. I was amazed, I changed the tube and I was back rolling again in 9 minutes. for not having changed a flat in a year and a half, I felt empowered. anytime I gained a little speed after that, I heard a rubbing. couldn't tell where it was, but I had a damn good idea. so at that point I was just hoping to make it close enough that I wouldn't have ti take the sag wagon.

Mile 23 or so, on a downhill no less, damn thing blows again. I only carry one spare tube in my bag, so I started walking. it sucked. there's a bit of a hill going into the recreational area, and walking that in bike shies is not easy. I got a lot of applause, and by that point I was laughing. people were already leaving the park, having finished their race. not total uncommon for me. I got into T2 with zero calf muscle left. they were shot. I was seriously considering bagging it. hate this dam race. last year was cold and miserable. and now this. I decided go at least get out on the run, I'd need this experience one day, especially having conquered it.

It was HOT. lucca was in thecae, Dave and I had agreed that if it was too hot he'd bag the race after the ride and go get lucca out of the car. I grabbed at least 2 cups of water at esch aid station. one for my mouth, the other for my head. the run is very flat, so at least I didn't have to deal with hills. it's pretty embarrassing/crushing to see all those people already packed in their cars and leaving the venue and knowing you still have another lap. at the first full lap, I saw Dave and lucca. I told him I'd had a double blowout, that I'd had to walk it in the last mile, that I hated this race and wasn't doing it ever again. oh and to take the dog into the water. needless go say my hard headed ass finished. I think I finished third to last. that hurt. I take my time at the Oreo and pretzel bins and slowly make my way back to transition. that when I saw my bike, and bike only. no wetsuit, it was gone. I asked the race director about it, and he was not at all concerned about my troubles.

as it turns out a girl who works for lava magazine somehow grabbed it. I'll meet her at Oceanside and get it back.

so thats it. won't be doing that race again. probably ever.

deformed

i recently had an appt for my leg (again). i've been training more, but the swelling is still there, as is the pain. she did a very thorough exam, complete with drawings to go in my chart and referred me to plastic surgery. in my own mind, i knew eventually plastics would come into play at some point. but when she made the referral, i realized essentially it was the end of the road as far as my leg was concerned. it was all or nothing. that referral would mean the end of my leg looking like it does, or confirmation that it would forever look like this. i've been dreading this appointment for that reason.

deformed for life it is. just got done with that appt. what i learned: A. nothing can be done now. i have to wait until the summer. B. my options at that time, if they even decide i have any at all: 1) fat contouring, a multiple step process in attempt to fill in the divot in my cheek, or 2) surgically moving things up on my leg, counteracting the gravity shift that's taken place. even as i type this i feel like i'm just talking about someone else. i can't believe this is my life. and then i have so much guilt for even being so upset about it all, i have my life after all, right? essentially the fat contouring could work, but for every cc of fat injected, only half of it actually takes. meaning that if they inject 100cc's, only 50 will stay in place, the rest will die off and go where? i don't know. so it would be a lengthy process. moving things back into place most likely wouldn't work, because gravity will just pull them back down anyway. there's been a complete severing in the area, so this option likely won't work. i ended up asking her point blank what my chances are of having to live with the look of my leg forever, and her answer "there's a good chance it will be like this, minus some of the swelling you have now".

is 'deformed' a little melodramatic? maybe, but if you think so, kiss my ass. i have this thing on my leg. it won't go away. i've always had thick legs, but for a good majority of my life, they've been very strong legs. and now i have this divot, and sagging. it looks hideous and i'm furious. no it's not the end of the world, but today, in this particular moment for me it is. and goddammit i'm allowed to feel that way. i didn't do anything. i don't deserve this. i wasn't doing anything wrong. it makes me so angry to know that. if i were being an ass, even hugging the bike lane line i could handle this shit a little better. but i WASN'T. i was minding my own, riding my bike not bothering a soul. such is life i guess.