Let me back up a bit. The easiest way to do this is to put everything in a timeline.
December 21, 2013: Cole is born. Given the name of Edward Chiu. 5lbs 3.6oz. tiny. Born in the afternoon in Gilbert, AZ. Less than 8 miles away from our home.
December 22, 2013: Cole is transferred to PCH due to a very loud murmur.
December 24 & 25, 2013: While working in the hall parallel to Cole's, I muddle through one of the worst nursing experiences of my life. All the while Cole is in a tiny radiant warmer, no more than 5 yards away from me.
January 2 & 3, 2014: Cole is my patient for the first time. I remember the overwhelming sadness radiating off Cole's birth mother, Ting-Chiao Chiu. When they were present, she would sit on the couch, often with her coat on and the hood pulled up over her head, staring straight ahead. His father, Yu-chi Chang, played on his iPad. I remember trying to help her to bottle feed. At one point, I asked, "I don't understand, the baby is doing remarkably well. Why are they so upset?" Her answer (via an aunt, translating for us) was that she felt like this was some karmic retribution, some sort of payment for something she'd done in the past. That his defects were her fault, or a direct reflection of her failings. They asked repeatedly for the social worker, whom was out of town. I remember trying to get ahold of a social worker covering other floors, but to no avail. Friday, a social worker from another floor leaves several different brochures at the bedside. I assume they received them at some point over the weekend. One of those brochures is for AASK - the Adoption Agency for Special Kids. Another is from a religious adoption group. Friday, I ask the charge nurse if I can have the same assignment on Monday. I did this because Cole was a super easy bottle feeder. And he had the best boogers, and I LOVE to suction out little noses. And he had a habit of desatting when his back sinuses were filled with boogers, and knowing that gave me the "inside" on this baby. I'd "figured" him out. No way was I giving up my assignment. Plus, by Friday the staff was beginning to talk poorly of this family. Which is something that is inevitable, but I found myself defending them.
January 5, 2014: Dave and I have a very in depth discussion. We talk about how this is our fourth (?) attempt at making it to transfer date for IVF. And I cry, and tell him that I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm tired of the weight gain, and I'm scared that it won't work. What Dave does not tell me during this conversation is that he has a bad feeling about this cycle. He has a gut feeling that it will not work. It is during this conversation that we decide that should that cycle fall through, we will begin our pursuit of adoption and surrogacy. We also decided that we couldn't adopt a "special needs" child. That if we birthed one with mental health issues, that was one thing. But we have every intention of having more than one child, and we couldn't voluntarily bring that into our house.
January 6 & 7, 2014: Once again, the one with the most physical contact with Cole was the aunt. She would feed Cole. She'd giggle at his little noises. She'd talk to him. Tuesday the whole group came in while I was bathing him. He LOVED baths. He would just roll his little eyes back into his head while I shampooed him. It endeared me to him even more. Tuesday morning at 1100, I called Dave and told him that there was a meeting set up for that afternoon, and that it looked as if this baby would be put up for adoption. And to possibly start thinking about it. He got zero work done for the rest of the day - that 3 minute conversation rocked his world. Tuesday afternoon was the first meeting with Meryl, the AASK counselor. I remember being mesmerized watching the Ting-Chiao take notes of the conversation (we used a phone translator system for Mandarin). A few words she'd write in English, while others would be the hugely intricate symbols. I remember holding my breath through that meeting. Until Yu-chi said these words to Meryl, "We want you to start looking for a permanent home for him." I instantly got the chills and became tearful, but I was there as a nurse and quickly shook myself out of it. After the meeting ended, I asked Meryl to hang back for a second. She sat down with me and I told her we were possibly open to taking this baby home. She briefly discussed the numbers with me. And we ended that conversation with her telling me that she had to move forward looking for a family for him. I remember also discussing the grandmother coming to Phoenix. And it seemed as though she would be the one who would be deciding Cole's fate. It felt like the culture that the paternal grandmother would be the deciding force, whether Cole would go home with them to Taiwan or be put up for adoption.
At the end of the shift on the 7th, I took Cole down to the NICU. He was no longer in need of CVICU care, but because the situation was so up in the air, we transferred him to the NICU. It was expected that he would go home with the family on the 8th or 9th. Or be transferred to the outpatient rehab facility while the adoption agency looked for a family.
The night of the 7th was tough for Dave and I. Dave felt like we were rushing, and that adopting now would mean that we were giving up on the dream of having our own biological child. I told him that I wasn't 100% on the whole thing either. He asked me what would it take to get me to the 100%, and I knew that answer without hesitation. If something went wrong with this IVF cycle, or at the appointment the next day, I would know that's the direction we're supposed to go in now.
January 8, 2014: (Little background here - I'm really big into "signs." And juju. My ex-husband was a Johnson. My ex-father was a Blair.) I show up at the IVF office that morning. As the nurse takes me into the room, she tells me there have been some changes, and hands me a bio sheet of a Dr. Johnson. Red flag #1. She won't tell me where MY doctor went, only that he "left". #2. Dr. Johnson is available to see me during this appointment. #3. She walks out, and I start crying. Dr. Johnson comes in shortly. He's a close-talker. And normally I don't have an issue with it. However, when you're undressed from the waist down and you have someone introducing themselves while standing between your spread legs, no bueno. #4. During the ultrasound, he finds a polyp. On one view only. He works for 30 min to try and find it again. And never does. But even still, he recommends that we bail on the entire cycle and start all over again. #5 With HIS protocol, because "clearly this protocol isn't working for you, and I'm surprised it hasn't been changed for you before now" implying that my doc is a moron. #6 I leave that appointment sobbing, and fuming angry. And I drive directly to Dave's job. I think I was expecting him to give me the "Yes, let's do it" at that time with the adoption, but it didn't come. I was ready, because the 'signs' told me this was the way. But Dave wasn't there.
January 9, 2014: The "Yes, let's do it" never came this day either. I believe this is the day that I finally told my mother that we were even entertaining the idea of adoption; up to this point, we'd told absolutely no one. I also called Meryl to tell her we were about halfway there, but that Dave hadn't given me the go-ahead yet. She blatantly told me that there was nothing she could do until we were both 100% in.
January 10, 2014: My first extra shift that I signed up for a month beforehand. In the NICU. I fully expected Cole to not be here anymore. He was supposed to have gone home already. Imagine my surprise when I get my assignment. Cole and another baby. As soon as I got my bearings in the new unit, I sought out the NICU's manager to tell her that we were potentially thinking about adopting him. She told me that after that day, I couldn't have him as a patient anymore. And that I couldn't go searching through any of his medical records (duh). Yu-chi and Ting-Chiao came in in the afternoon. They were surprised and happy to see me. They didn't hold Cole except to bottle feed him once, and then immediately put him back into his crib. The rest of the shift they were on their iPads. The detachment made sense, but was still hard to see. They told me that his mother (Cole's grandmother) was coming to town that night.
That afternoon, a lab result auto-populated. It was the genetic screen, and it showed DiGeorge Syndrome. Due to the computer system, I had to 'acknowledge' the result. My world shook. I went to talk with the NP of the unit. "Tell me everything you know about the long-term view of DiGeorge." She was amazing. She pulled it up and we went through it. Mental disabilities during youth. Schizophrenia in their 20's. BOOM.
My dream was over.
I cried all the way home that night. Dave came home from work. He was in a great mood. Until he saw my face. I told him of the DiGeorge. His world crashed too. As it turned out, that day he finally found his "Yes!" answer that I'd been waiting on all week.
January 11, 2014: I worked again, back in the CVICU. I was in a terrible mood. Horridly sad. At lunch, I didn't even want to eat in the break room because I didn't want to talk to anyone. So I took my lunch to the cafeteria - something I've never done before. While buying a coke, who do I see? Yu-chi, Ting-Chiao, and now Yu-chi's tiny mother. I asked how the baby was, and they said he was still doing well. I was heartbroken all over again. The way they flocked to me when they saw me. The smiles on their faces. Broken.
The following week was a bit of a blur.
January 16, 2014: Working in my own unit again. I was being shadowed by a nursing student. In passing, I casually asked about Cole when talking with the cardiac nurse practitioner. I like Courtney, so I confided in her that we'd contemplated adopting him until the DiGeorge came up. "I don't have that he has DiGeorge" while looking through her paperwork. I told her about the results coming through during my NICU shift. She was surprised.
Mid-morning I got a call on the Vocera (the phone system that we carried around our necks) from Courtney. "Charrissa. I don't know if this changes anything for you guys....but....He doesn't have DiGeorge." WHAAAAAAAA?!?!? "Yes! I'm looking at his results right now. I can print them out if you'd like. I think what you saw was the reason we sent off the labs. It was to test for DiGeorge, but the FISH (genetic screen) came back completely normal." I was already crying. My nursing student excused herself at the sight of my tears and hearing a bit of the conversation. I was in room 17 on the unit. I remember the conversation to a 'T'. She came upstairs immediately and showed them to me. I didn't even see them. I looked, but I didn't see them. I was crying. I called Dave. He didn't answer. I called my mom while hiding in the stock room. Her response: "GET THAT BABY HOMEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". Then Dave called back. I told him of the mistake I'd made. And that he was ok, the baby didn't have this genetic mutation. "Now tell me again what he does have?" he asked. "He has heart defects and will need surgeries. And he has a funky wing, but it's the cutest thing you've ever seen." I didn't want to push him, and I still didn't get the "Yes, do it." We got off the phone. It was the longest (less than an) hour of my life, but he called me back. "Do it. Call her. Call her now" meaning Meryl, the adoption worker. The rest was a blur.
January 17, 2014: I remember being annoyed. I was hoping that Meryl would be talking to them immediately. When we spoke on the phone though, she told me that she'd already had an appointment scheduled with them for the following Wednesday, as that was the first time the translator could be there...
January 21, 2014: I'm working in the CVICU. Cole is on the schedule for a cardiac cath. But it was postponed. I never found out why. But in my book, it was yet another "sign."
January 22, 2014: I asked the charge nurse if I could possibly work as a floater nurse because of the meeting happening at 10am. Nicolle allowed me. I was a nutcase all morning. The clock was ticking so slowly. I'd bonded with my patient's family from the 21st, so I confided in that mama what was happening that morning. Finally around 1130 or so, I got the call to come down to the NICU. Now that I'm thinking of it, I never got a "yes" from the parents. But when I walked into the tiny room, I'd already been told that they'd said yes to the "CVICU Nurse". Upon seeing me, Yu-chi and Ting-Chiao audibly exhaled and relaxed. I saw it happen. I started crying immediately. I remember Ting-Chiao pointing at me asking "It's you?!". I smiled and said it was. And that they would be doing something amazing for us. I told them about Dave and I, about how we'd been trying for a baby for 4 years. That we were both graduate students. I got called by Vocera pretty quickly after giving my speech, they needed me back on the unit. Before leaving the room, I asked to hug Ting-Chiao. She gave me a hug, as did Yu-chi. The tiny grandmother absolutely bear-hugged me. There's no other description that would fit what she did - it was a full-on bear hug and it was wonderful. She thanked me 10 times in that 15 second embrace.
I went out of the room and asked for the NICU's charge nurse (a friend of mine). The attending physician (Dr. Caballo) saw me right after that, and that I was crying. I told her why, and she hugged me. And the next thing I knew, this hoard of nurses, doctors, and therapists were all hugging me in this big group hug. They were all so excited for me. I asked to see him, but he'd already been taken to the OR for his cardiac cath that had been moved to that day.
I went up to my unit, and the lovely mama from my assignment the day before had the wonderful awareness to get these two pictures of me:
January 22, 2014: The day I became a mama. My first pic of my son, taken by Dave's phone as he was able to visit that afternoon (yes, we asked for permission from his birth parents before taking it):
It was immediately after we took this picture that we chose Cole for this baby's name. He would be called Cole Edward, as a thank you for the amazing gift his birth parents gave us. They chose Edward, and until this point in his life, he was Edward. But it was just after this moment that he became Cole.
The following days were spent at his bedside. We'd worked out a system that his birth parents stayed with him from morning until 3pm, and Dave and I would come after that and stay 'til whenever. The night of Saturday the 25th, we "roomed in" with Cole. It was a horribly long night that we floated through, almost giddy. Sunday we left the hospital and realized - we have NOTHING. Not a single diaper. Not a single onesie. We have nothing for this baby, and we're supposed to bring him home the following day, perhaps the day after. At 7pm, we found ourselves at the third baby store, finishing up our third registry in as many hours.
January 28, 2014: We officially started our journey in parenthood. Our first official family photo:
