lost and gained

this week has been a tough one. the beginning of the week saw me losing my lunch, repeatedly. so much so, in fact that i was sent home from work. unknown cause, but lots of possibles crossed off.

this week also brought the loss of the father of a very dear friend of mine. he is so eloquently verbal, an amazing writer. he is logging his journey through this time, and it's incredibly hard to read. right now he and his amazing wife are across the country, making it even harder for us back home. i'm such a fixer. i have to be doing something, i like to take charge and get things done in times of crisis. this particular crisis has brought us fixers together. i've made friends with another amazing woman, who's the head haucho of fixers it seems. we've/she's come up with an actual table of people in charge of meals once they return from the east coast, covering the next week. this is stressful, because when we're in crisis mode, we don't like to eat, and we don't like company. 'we' in this case refers to me. i have a feeling they feel the same way. i worry that we'll be bombarding them with food and company when it's the last thing they will need and/or want, but we all have our own way of grieving i guess. i'm just truly blessed to be counted in this group tasked with helping them through this time, something i never even knew i could feel lucky about.

another friend is watching his mother begin another battle with cancer. he's normally a very energetic, outgoing, in-your-face kind of person, and this morning at breakfast with he and his daughter, he was downright lethargic. he doesn't ask for help, and completely shuts down in crisis time. 2 things i can't deal with. so i'm at a complete loss on how to actually help him.

the 'gained' section comes now. i've not been able to train all week. i've been hurling my socks up, or sleeping, or working. so today i knew i needed something. i didn't feel like hauling out my trainer, and i didn't feel like hitting the pool (it's pretty cool today and our pool is in the shade). so a run it was. and boy, what a run it was. they call it a breakthrough workout i believe. left me in tears at the end. i'd say that was some sort of breakthrough. in working back into running from a helluva (injured) summer, i've been doing 10/1s or 5/1s or 3/2s run/walk. today, i didn't even do a warmup, i just wanted to get straight into it. i walked this huge hill by pierce college, because, well, i'm not a total idiot. other than that, i ran. and ran and ran. it wasn't a fast one, about a minute slower than my goal pace for right now/vineman (as it stands currently), but i also have had any pure run workouts yet. i've so needed a workout like this. i love running. i love being out there, no one can bother me, i can just completely zone out and listen to my music. or think things through. or both. amazing workout. yay me.

race report - super bowl 10k

short race = short race report. hopefully.

came into this one toying with the idea(s) of how to pace myself. i don't know that that's actually the way to put it. i was trying to decide how and when to work in my walking segments. after meeting with my coach yesterday, we decided that i should just walk the aid stations, which should be positioned ~ every mile. this was ideal, except for the fact that i don't (yet?) run 10mm. so, for the first mile, i ran it. and walked the aid station. that was too long. so, i decided to try the 5/1 approach. too short. i felt like friggin' goldie locks out there. except that bitch finally finds the one that's 'just right'. or so the story goes. me, well, i just ran. screw it. i ran, and when i needed to walk, i made sure it was after at least 5 mins of running, and that those walk breaks weren't > 1 min themselves. the first 2.5 miles were pretty hilly. and of COURSE with my luck, the times running were UPhill, while the walks were DOWNhill. bullshit.

the flat stretch was about miles 2.5-5.2 and it was blissful. i don't recall walking that much, and i tried to pick up the pace when i was running. about mile 3 the crazy number game started. 'if i keep up this pace, i'll make it in about x:xx.' coming through the flat stretch, i kept steady (or he kept steady with me) with this asian guy. so much so that i didn't walk anymore (or much, anyway) so as to keep with him. when we had exactly one mile left, we were on a slight downslide. i looked at him and told him we had one mile left, to pick it up. so i did. i was able to drop 2 min off my pace, actually. i did this alone, he didn't stay with me anymore. we round this turn, and up pops this hill. in 3 min time, i climbed 55 feet. friggin' ridiculous. i laughed when i saw that the damn road went LITERALLY straight uphill. i jogged it. about 2 yards left (seriously), i thought i was going to vomit. i honestly contemplated hurling all over the side walk (turns out, my HR was in the 190s, so go figure). instead, i walked. looking at the profile now, my walk up that hill was actually faster than my jog. now that's just f'ed up. blah.

in other news, i have a week off between assignments. start at another hospital on the 15th. this means HELL WEEK. please, let me try to contain my excitement. i figured i needed the training boost to get me back on track, if nothing else to tide me over for a couple months. and the minute i mentioned my break, my coach jumped at the opportunity. oh goodie. don't worry, i will post my crazy shit workouts. maybe i'll post them before i do them, so in case i die, you'll understand why...

well, that just pisses me off

so i find myself in quite a funk lately. etiology unknown. my fuse is short, and becoming shorter by the day, it seems. i was hoping it was just the typical pms, and alas, it is not. this round has some staying power.

top of my list of things to be pissed off about (yes, at this point, there's a list): our LA2SD ride this weekend is likely to be canceled due to rain. granted, i'm so shell shocked lately about rides that i've all but talked myself out of my ability to even ride 110 miles, but still, i was looking forward to, if nothing else, bonking.

my mother, much like myself, is a 'fixer.' you can't really vent to her, she feels the need to fix things, to help you devise a plan, and then another to execute said plan. she likes to figure out why a problem has come about, and that involves digging. digging, at this point, pisses me off. i've been FREAKING OUT about the fact that dave's biggest issue at this point in time (triathlon related only, mind you) is when to fit in his 'long runs'. these runs are ~10 miles. why am i freaking out? well, i couldn't run 10 miles right now if i wanted to. let alone do it paced. that's nothing new, so again, why am i freaking out? well, that'd be because we're both doing IMAZ. i'm not just his supporter, i'm also going to be out there. and dammit if he's out right now doing 10 mile runs, and i'm not, nor will i be doing so anytime soon, doesn't that mean that i'm quite behind? i know, i know. dave and i have very different training plans, and our coaches couldn't be more polar opposites. i realize all that. my fear is that i'm just flat out not going to be ready for IMAZ. and THAT, ladies and gentlemen, freaks me the fuck out. and pisses me off. with this revelation to my mother comes the inevitable text message 10 min later: 'be careful of a hobby that makes your life less than happy or brings constant drama to your life.' that pisses me off. for one of 2 reasons. that means that either A) she just doesn't get it (the world that is triathlon), or 2) that i've even given off that vibe to cause her to come up with that little mama tidbit. triathlon is one of the good parts of my life. it's work that's bullshit.

so on my 4th drive down the 405 this week (yep, pisses me off too), i asked myself one question: if i could change one thing right now in order to bring peace and happiness back to my life, what would it be? the answer, i'd have to say work. work pisses me off. last summer i was unemployed. ALL SUMMER LONG. and despite the constant worry and the ulcer, it was blissful. i'm finally leaving the cud-chewing cow at my current job. and, i will say, this does bring me a tremendous amount of joy. but the thought of going to a totally new place all over again, well, it pisses me off. it's such a task. to figure out what people perceive, how you're coming off to a group of totally new people. and all the while wondering which one you really shouldn't piss off, and which one(s) just talks big. travel nursing sucks sometimes. i want to be a chef. i always have. i'd watch the foot network all day long if given the opportunity. i could totally work late into the night, and sleep in late in the morning. the money would suck. but it wouldn't be 12 hours and i could finally put myself back into my training. my mother would probably disown me, seeing as how i graduated from HER nursing school and all. i'd have to probably start eating red meat again, and granted, that's a big drawback, but if it meant i could do all the other things that i want to do in my life, all the while doing something that i love (cooking), i could totally eat a cow. shit. show me the beef.

ahhh to dream right? maybe one of these days. in the meantime i'll just continue to deal with erroneously self-righteous nurses who don't know their ass from their hand, being vomited/peed/shitted on by babies with toaster head, and sticking that last set with sharp needles. not for fun though. no, i'd never do that...