ah, living the broke(n) life

there's nothing like being broke. there's nothing like being broke, with nothing but time on your hands. you think 'oh, i should go there, i've got time off.' but nope. you can't. you're broke. remember?

i haven't worked in 57 days at this point. needless to say i'm going a little nuts. i can only grow so many plants. my cats are plotting my death. they're tired of being tired, evidently i interrupt their sleep everyday. the black one has just randomly started biting dave and i. for no reason. i wasn't good with finances to begin with, and now i'm having to watch every little cent because there's absolutely NOTHING coming into it.

healing is going relatively well. got one drain pulled out this past friday at my F/U dr appt. i was expecting lots of pain, so i took 2 vicodin beforehand. that left me completely out of it for the rest of the day. i still have a massive area of numbness to my thigh and ass cheek. not to mention the indentation to my ass cheek. the doc can't tell me whether either of those will resolve.

my godson and his family are in town. i have a lot of guilt about that, because i missed his 3rd birthday due to the fact that i was A) broke and B) unable to be on a plane for that long due to my injuries. so now they're here, and i still can only meet them for a meal because i'm not able to walk around all day, as they would at disneyland or knott's berry farm.

dave and i were able to meet up with some friends of mine, in town on business. that was awesome. except for the fact that with drains hanging from my body, i have to wear the biggest clothes to hide them, so i end up looking like i'm 300 pounds. granted, i'm not far from that, but still, i don't necessarily want to LOOK like it. regardless, we had a wonderful meal at cafe del rey in marina del rey.

that's about all for now. i'll go back to staring at dave. and the cats.

post-op report

weekend before the surgery, dave got me on a mountain bike!!! it was awesome, first time on a mountain bike. across from our apartment is pierce college, and there's a nice section of dirt tracks right by the 'football stadium'. yes, i use that term loosely. it felt great to actually be back on a bike. i didn't like the traffic, but luckily with the weekend, the worst part was crossing de soto. from there it was pretty empty. i was a little worried on the downhill parts, but it went really well. i wasn't able to go for very long, got very tired but i lasted longer than i thought i would. oh, and i've officially stolen one of dave's FOUR mountain bikes.

mom came up the day before the surgery. she and i and dave were able to spend the day together, which was a huge help. they proved to be great distractions. she's fallen in love with the turkey burger at the counter, so that's where we went for lunch. we proceeded to take her to lululemon, where she went a little crazy. that afternoon was a little tiring, we got in a lot of walking in santa monica.

tuesday morning i was a basketcase. i hate going under. HATE it. as i've stated before. i was to be the second case of the day, which meant that i would be there at 9, and be taken back at 11. but the day before they called and told me that i was going to be taken back at 10, and i needed to be there by 7:30. even better - fat girl likes food and the sooner i got back to surgery, the sooner my NPO status was over (nothing by mouth = no food/drink). we got there like good little boys and girls, at 7:15. i was going nuts. mom and dave were doing their best to keep me preoccupied. we got registered, and between my mom and dave, they decided he would be my temporary power of attorney. there was no way i was making that decision, so i literally looked at the 2 of them and said 'ok, who wants it?'. the way my mom has seamlessly deferred to dave (at times, mind you) throughout this entire process has been incredibly comforting, and altogether disturbing. it's something i've been struggling with.

we waited to be called back to the pre-op area for an entire 3 minutes, when a lady with a clipboard came in and told me i was the first case of the morning. i told her that wasn't the original plan, that i was sorry we hadn't been told bc we would've come sooner. she told me the first case patient showed up late, so they were taking me first. this meant i had literally zero time to fret. they took me back immediately. anyway, an actual MD put in my IV. never seen that before. i had to stand up to be marked by the doc doing the surgery so that he could see where the sac was. that was comforting to me, because i was worried that if he marked me while i was just sitting there, the way the fluid settles, it's hard to see the actual delineations of the hematoma. the anesthesia team was good, and assured me they'd medicate me well afterwards to ensure i wouldn't vomit. i said goodbye to mom and dave, the versed was pushed, and i was out of it. it's so disturbing to feel the versed hit, be mid-convo with a doc, and know in the back of your mind that you will continue that conversation without a hitch, but you'll never remember what the hell you said. did i mention i HATE anesthesia?!

and OF COURSE i woke up hurling my socks up. and hurling, and hurling. it sucked beyond belief. i seem to recall vomiting a pretty good amount, although i know that's unlikely since i hadn't eaten since the night before. they had to medicate me at least 3 times that i remember. finally resorting to phenergan, which knocks me out without fail. i could hear everything around me, but i couldn't participate in any of it. it was a very concentrated effort to answer any questions. yuck. i heard my nurse giving report to the 'floor nurse' on the phone. WTF?!? the floor nurse?! i was being admitted?!!! wasn't prepared for that. for some reason. dave seemed to be, he brought an extra set of clothes. mom seemed to know i was. but in my mind, i'd come to, they'd recover me for a couple hours in the recovery room, and they'd send me on my way with crutches. nope. it wasn't happening. i don't know why it never occurred to me to actually ask my doc if he expected me to stay overnight. but i didn't. so in my fog, i opened my eyes and verified with the nurse that i was being admitted. then i heard her say to the floor nurse that i had a pretty big dressing intact with minimal drainage so far, and that i had THREE JP drains. THREE. i not-so-quietly said 'THREE JP DRAINS?! HOLY SHIT!!!'. she laughed at me, and repeated me word-for-word to the floor nurse. and then laughed at me again. great.

after some room confusion i made it to my room. we'd figured out that i'm officially 'allergic' to dilaudid. i put that in quotes because i don't really consider vomiting an actual allergic reaction, but if saying i'm allergic ensures that UCLA will never give it to me again, dammit, i'm allergic. it was about 3pm by the time i made it to my room, which blew my mind since the surgery only lasted about 1.5 hrs. i spent A LOT of time in recovery. dave and mom found me, and set up camp. since i'd had such a vomiting issue, and since it's customary post-anesthesia, they tried to make my diet clear liquids only. um, no. i asked for more, they told me no. so i took a sip of my chicken broth, drank my apple juice, and proceeded to eat my coco puffs momma bought me from the cafeteria. clear liquids my ass. i was hungry. and i didn't have any nausea.

dave stayed with me that night. mom went back to her hotel. i wasn't the worst night i've spent in a hospital. i wasn't restricted with movement, so i was able to make it to the bathroom. that was interesting. walking wasn't the easiest, but i made it work. sitting on the toilet wasn't easy either, let me tell ya. my IV fluids were stopped by morning since i was keeping up with my intake/output. that was a good sign. i was woken up about every 3-4 hours throughout the night, as expected. sleep in a hospital isn't sleep. it's periodic napping. at one point i flashed back to the helpless feeling i had the last time i was in the hospital only a month and a half ago. and then i realized i'd be going home soon. i just had to prove i was ready to go home.

an NP came in to look at my incision site the next morning. for some reason, there was a master tape job, and i lost it while she was attempting to take off the dressing. it was weird. i got very, very angry. dave had to calm me down. i couldn't believe i was in that position, just having had surgery, after a month and a half of being hit by a fucking truck. i was so pissed. had to explain all that to the NP because she was looking at me like i was crazy. the site looked good, and she told me that if the drainage through the steri-strips remained minimal, i wouldn't have to dress the entire thing. that was good. i was still freaking out about the THREE jp drains.

after she assessed the site, she told me i'd be able to go home. so dave and i took a lap around the floor. i wasn't very steady on my feet, especially just standing, so we just kept moving, slowly. got passed 3 times in that lap by a balding man with a foley. that's just sad.

the week since has been ok. when we got home, i was telling dave that it was a royal pain in the ass to have to safety pin the drains to all my clothes. that's when his genius struck. he disappeared in the other room, and reappeared with one of our race belts for triathlon. it's worked like a charm. and it's even helped a little with my outlook.

we walked yesterday, tried to go see the horses like i was. but the horses weren't there. and i had some very odd muscle spasms going on. i've also developed some charlie-horse type cramping in my butt, on the affected side. incredibly painful, and it strikes when i'm completely relaxed. pretty annoying.

the drains are also annoying. it's very weird to have tubing hanging out of your body. not to mention painful. as a nurse, i'm used to dealing with them. they have to be emptied every 12 hours. but now that they're coming out of MY body, it's just gross. red and orange popsicles will never be consumed by me again. it's sick. and dave can't handle it either. so much for romance. speaking of, my ass has a huge dent in it now. when it used to bulb out, it now dents in. i have a divot in my ass. that is NOT cool. i'm hoping it's swelling-related, and praying it'll improve. i'll ask him about it at my follow-up.

dave has gotten back on the wagon as far as training goes. that's very hard to watch. i can't even make it to the wall (any wall) within 10 seconds, let alone run. i want it to be over. i want to be able to ride. or run. or swim. i'm tired of all this bullshit.

and the freak out begins

so maybe it began yesterday. or the day before. i started thinking about the last time i went under anesthesia. i woke up vomiting. i don't like anesthesia. i'm a control freak. you people know that. i don't enjoy being drunk. i don't enjoy not being 100% aware, knowing where i am and what's going on at all times. coming out of anesthesia is like being drunk, x10.

next i started worrying about the incision itself. it's going to be massive. it'll run from my thigh across my entire butt cheek. that's huge. and there will be drains. once the inflammation and drainage dies down, these drains will need to be pulled out. i've pulled these drains out of patients before. they hurt like a son of a bitch. the bulb part is shaped like a grenade. the tube leads to the section that actually lays in the wound. that part is flat, about a 1/2 inch wide strip that can be anywhere from 1/2 inch long to 2 inches long, as i remember. it has holes on either side and the suction is formed on how you scrunch down the grenade part. makes me nauseous just thinking about it. you're taught to literally yank them out as fast as possible.

how the hell is this all going to look when it's all done with? and dammit if my ass is malformed after this, that's just not fair. i liked my ass the way it was. and if it's massacred after this, will i have the option of plastic surgery? and if that's the case, that's another dose of anesthesia, and surgery...

the latest thing to freak me out is that when i flex my butt cheek, i can't see my butt muscle anymore. it looks just like this tumor thing has eaten my butt muscle in that part of my butt. not to mention the fact that this thing didn't just seep out and form. it's a massive hematoma. there has to be some musculature involvement. which begs the question - how bad is that musculature involvement? and what happens then?

i'm stressing. obviously. every single nail of mine is gone. on the plus side, by the end of this week i will have swam 3-4 times! the first time was a pool swim. not a big fan right now, the fluid inside my ass-let just ruffles along as i kick. it's really sick. i swam in the ocean wednesday and that was an experience. a friend had to help me squeeze into my wetsuit. didn't work out too well. there's now a hole in the ass of my wetsuit. and when the water is 59 degrees, that can get a little cold.

the next couple days are going to be very interesting. if you see dave, be sure to give him your sympathy.

surgery it is

so this saturday we spent our day bouncing between urgent care and the ER. my head laceration was oozing pus, the scab was growing because of the amount of pus it was putting out. it didn't feel right, i knew something was up. and it was driving me crazy because i couldn't see it!

we were able to get an appointment with the UCLA folks on monday afternoon. that one was interesting. the resident tried to tell me that it looked fine to her. i asked her enough questions that stumped her, so she called in her attending. this attending decided to literally scrape out the wound, using gauze and scissors. more importantly, NOT using lidocaine. just wait, it gets better. then, he cauterized the entire area with silver nitrate, and had his resident hold pressure to the area for a couple minutes after. can i just say, i feel it's a major sign of my own personal growth that that resident is still walking the earth. as a sidebar, i asked the attending what he thought of my 'ass-let', my tumor looking thing on my thigh/ass. he essentially said that if it was already 4+ weeks out from the event, and it was still that size, his professional opinion was that it would never resolve/reabsorb. excellent. he left the appointment saying that he would deal with that after everything else was healed, and that he'd see us again at the end of the week to see my head again.

fast forward to today. thank the lord dave was with me for this appointment. you never know, as a nurse how to go about asking for something from docs, especially docs you don't know. my worry was that 1) his idea of 'waiting for everything to resolve' was just going to take forever, and 2) if we went into june, i'd have no support system for surgery like this, since my mom will be starting the summer semester, and dave his new job. i was terrified that he was going to want to wait longer. this would mean even more time off work for me. and i'm going friggin' nuts here. i gotta say.

i was so nervous my blood pressure was up, my HR was up. i went through 2 pre-screening residents before the attending finally made it in. i kind of hammered him with a few of my pleads as to why we needed to do this ASAP instead of waiting. at one point it was apparent that he was just plain tired of hearing me talk, so he interrupted me with the actual plan for the procedure. = success. i don't feel bad rushing this decision. i feel it's one he would've come to anyway. in fact, i know he would have. he's the one who said it wouldn't resolve itself. and dammit, i'm a patient now, and putting this off longer would only be a hardship. the longer it's put off, the longer i have to just sit here, stagnant, watching life.

needless to say, the surgery date has been scheduled. right now, i'm ecstatic. i really like my doc, i feel he's the perfect one for my case. even if he didn't use lidocaine. the scar from the procedure sounds like it will be massive, since he has to cut from one end to the other. but, when that sucker is stapled back up, the healing process begins. that means my life can return to normal just as fast as i can heal, we can get on with LIVING.

ps - i've uploaded all my injury pics. if interested, go to http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2057621&id=1139507816&l=2a5f818780