over the past week and a half or so, i've been having this shooting nerve tingle down my torso every time i bring my chin to my chest. through all the drama, i never thought about the impact it must've had on my back. so i decided to seek chiropractic help. after a triclubber recommendation, i found one in santa monica. now, the idea of chiropractic practice scares the shit out of me. it's not real med school they have to go to. and that's your spine they're in there fucking with. para/quadraplegia is just one snap away. i saw a chiropractor years ago after a bad car accident, and didn't notice much of a difference other than some added flexibility immediately following adjustment. but in this particular instance, a doc isn't going to do anything. they'll give me a muscle relaxer and send me on my way. not helpful. so wednesday off i went. i told him how nervous i was to be adjusted. and we talked at length about 'the accident'. about 45 min worth of talking, actually. turns out he used to be a cyclist as well, until a bad accident.
of course he discovered that my back is completely screwed, not surprising. my appointment actually went well, and i came away liking the fact that he was so excited about helping me get better.
thursday was a long day at work. and then today hit. i called his office again this morning to make an appointment for today. after lots and lots of pain, my appointment time finally came. he was absolutely shocked that i was in such pain. the appointment was not a short one. in talking with him, i discovered a lot about what i was doing to myself.
i have been doing all i could do to just bury everything that happened, and just forge ahead. it's been so hard for me not to put a sheet over my destroyed Izzy - i can't stand looking at it. i'm to the point that i'm so tired of the pain, and the drama, that i'm just tucking everything away and trying to forget about it. problem is, my body isn't playing anymore. my body knows it happened, and having my mind doing something different is no longer cutting it.
i think a major part of that is letting go. i was hell bent on not letting this year be a total waste as far as triathlon goes. but i'm now coming to the realization that it's going to be. it's almost august. even if i were in the same shape i was in last year, getting ready for IMAZ would still be a very difficult feat. work is so completely draining these days that workouts even on my days off are but a dream. and yes, just because i can't race doesn't mean it's a 'waste', but it is a waste. i was supposed to become an ironman this year. a healing season is total bullshit to the accomplishment of ironman. it infuriates me. no, i haven't given my body enough time to heal. yes, i was off work for 3 months. but in that time i was doing all i could to expedite the healing process. i never allowed myself to realize the enormity of the situation, the fact that in every real instance, i could've lost my life that day. that thought horrifies me. and i don't know where to go from there. i'm sure it'll come to me, at some point. in the meantime, i just pray that i don't lose the love of my life. because i'm literally impossible to live with right now.
