and the freak out begins

so maybe it began yesterday. or the day before. i started thinking about the last time i went under anesthesia. i woke up vomiting. i don't like anesthesia. i'm a control freak. you people know that. i don't enjoy being drunk. i don't enjoy not being 100% aware, knowing where i am and what's going on at all times. coming out of anesthesia is like being drunk, x10.

next i started worrying about the incision itself. it's going to be massive. it'll run from my thigh across my entire butt cheek. that's huge. and there will be drains. once the inflammation and drainage dies down, these drains will need to be pulled out. i've pulled these drains out of patients before. they hurt like a son of a bitch. the bulb part is shaped like a grenade. the tube leads to the section that actually lays in the wound. that part is flat, about a 1/2 inch wide strip that can be anywhere from 1/2 inch long to 2 inches long, as i remember. it has holes on either side and the suction is formed on how you scrunch down the grenade part. makes me nauseous just thinking about it. you're taught to literally yank them out as fast as possible.

how the hell is this all going to look when it's all done with? and dammit if my ass is malformed after this, that's just not fair. i liked my ass the way it was. and if it's massacred after this, will i have the option of plastic surgery? and if that's the case, that's another dose of anesthesia, and surgery...

the latest thing to freak me out is that when i flex my butt cheek, i can't see my butt muscle anymore. it looks just like this tumor thing has eaten my butt muscle in that part of my butt. not to mention the fact that this thing didn't just seep out and form. it's a massive hematoma. there has to be some musculature involvement. which begs the question - how bad is that musculature involvement? and what happens then?

i'm stressing. obviously. every single nail of mine is gone. on the plus side, by the end of this week i will have swam 3-4 times! the first time was a pool swim. not a big fan right now, the fluid inside my ass-let just ruffles along as i kick. it's really sick. i swam in the ocean wednesday and that was an experience. a friend had to help me squeeze into my wetsuit. didn't work out too well. there's now a hole in the ass of my wetsuit. and when the water is 59 degrees, that can get a little cold.

the next couple days are going to be very interesting. if you see dave, be sure to give him your sympathy.