deformed

i recently had an appt for my leg (again). i've been training more, but the swelling is still there, as is the pain. she did a very thorough exam, complete with drawings to go in my chart and referred me to plastic surgery. in my own mind, i knew eventually plastics would come into play at some point. but when she made the referral, i realized essentially it was the end of the road as far as my leg was concerned. it was all or nothing. that referral would mean the end of my leg looking like it does, or confirmation that it would forever look like this. i've been dreading this appointment for that reason.

deformed for life it is. just got done with that appt. what i learned: A. nothing can be done now. i have to wait until the summer. B. my options at that time, if they even decide i have any at all: 1) fat contouring, a multiple step process in attempt to fill in the divot in my cheek, or 2) surgically moving things up on my leg, counteracting the gravity shift that's taken place. even as i type this i feel like i'm just talking about someone else. i can't believe this is my life. and then i have so much guilt for even being so upset about it all, i have my life after all, right? essentially the fat contouring could work, but for every cc of fat injected, only half of it actually takes. meaning that if they inject 100cc's, only 50 will stay in place, the rest will die off and go where? i don't know. so it would be a lengthy process. moving things back into place most likely wouldn't work, because gravity will just pull them back down anyway. there's been a complete severing in the area, so this option likely won't work. i ended up asking her point blank what my chances are of having to live with the look of my leg forever, and her answer "there's a good chance it will be like this, minus some of the swelling you have now".

is 'deformed' a little melodramatic? maybe, but if you think so, kiss my ass. i have this thing on my leg. it won't go away. i've always had thick legs, but for a good majority of my life, they've been very strong legs. and now i have this divot, and sagging. it looks hideous and i'm furious. no it's not the end of the world, but today, in this particular moment for me it is. and goddammit i'm allowed to feel that way. i didn't do anything. i don't deserve this. i wasn't doing anything wrong. it makes me so angry to know that. if i were being an ass, even hugging the bike lane line i could handle this shit a little better. but i WASN'T. i was minding my own, riding my bike not bothering a soul. such is life i guess.