am i in?

oddly, i've asked myself that question a couple times lately. currently, that question refers to a job. i'm literally sitting here looking at my phone, waiting for my recruiter to call me back about an offer i received to return to work at my old job, the one i was at just before the 'accident'. i'm hoping they'll accept my start date, which is a little over a week away (the one i've thrown out there, anyway).

another avenue - am i in the frame of mind to return to work? i don't know about that one. i'm still struggling with it, but i don't think i'll know for sure until i actually go in that first day. 12 hour shifts are long days. i applied for a few jobs yesterday that would be of a more office/paperwork focus, but those are state jobs which take a friggin' act of congress to land. i also worry about my ability right now to deal with the amount of stress related to my job.

yet another - am i in, as in mentally aware, of anything. that answer is definitely no. that one's easy at least.

and lastly - am i in, in reference to - is my ass in the seat before i shut the car door on it? because i have no feeling, so i have to make a visual check now every time i get into a car. yeah, that one's a fun one.

i started looking at my blogs of late, and i saw a very dark theme. i'm an asshole. the depression has set in, and has dug its claws into my consciousness. it seems to have rooted itself into the convolutions of my twisted brain. exercise is helping, but i rarely find the motivation to do it when it's just me at home now. dave has returned to work, and even when he came home from his first day, i was overwhelmingly jealous. his professional life was resuming, whereas mine was stationed firmly on my couch, alongside my half-numb ass. it's not fair, and it's bullshit. 'it's not fair' is something that continues to play through my mind as well, over and over. which pisses me off. i want to get out of the whole 'woe is me' frame of mind. it's not that i feel sorry for myself, because i don't. i know i wasn't doing anything wrong. despite that fact, my entire life has been thrown off track. that's the part i'm having a hard time swallowing. i know, i know. life isn't fair. but mine was damn good before all this. yes, it's still damn good, but i'm tired of the restrictions. and the worry. it's exhausting.