identity crisis

i seem to be having one lately. an identity crisis that is. i'm having a hard time trying to figure out where to go from here. i realized yesterday that i don't really want to start training again. for more than one reason, but one of the biggies is that another mass has formed on my leg. just below where the other one was, which was removed now almost 2 months ago. i went in for an MRI today, to determine what the fluid is, blood or otherwise. the plan from there varies. it could go from placing another drain in the office (can you say ouch?), or full blown surgery again. and of course trying to find out that decision from my doc will be something akin to deciphering the meaning of stonehenge. my doc's secretary, the one who keeps him in line and makes sure he's doing what he needs to be doing, is out of town all week. not to mention the fact that i work tomorrow. alas, i will try at every chance i get to call him, so keep your fingers crossed.

because i'm completely ambivalent about training right now, it's been a struggle to watch dave's training come into full swing since IMAZ is just around the corner. he's enlisted some help from a mutual friend, and i'm seeing some of the same workouts i did last summer pop up in his workout schedule. it's a very weird, and completely unfair situation. dave and i met because of triathlon. if i'm no longer involved in it, if i don't have that desire anymore, what happens? i know the answer, of course, is nothing. we will continue just as we are, with no real harm done to our relationship. but i still worry. because i don't have enough things to worry about, you know.

i've been recently trying to get into yoga. for the longest time, through most of last season actually, i wanted to get into yoga, even went so far as to find all the yoga places around me in woodland hills, but i never went. dave and i went to a free intro workshop class out here on my last weekend off, and really enjoyed it. so that's been good for me. luckily, i've lost a few pounds. work has done me wonders in that department. i try to stick to a schedule of eating every 3-4 hours or so, because if i miss one of those slots during the day, it will be hours until the next chance rolls around. i've increased my water intake dramatically.

i so dearly want to want to start training again. i have a little voice in the back of my head telling me to sign up for Oceanside. i'm still dragging my feet on ordering a new bike. and i can't pinpoint why. so i've half-heartedly decided not to go forward with that until i decide why i'm so hesitant (blind leading the blind?). i think it's ok, for now, that i'm in a holding pattern. the thought of riding my bike alone scares the bejesus out of me. that's new. i say it's new, but i can't really say that for sure. dave and i were so quick to get me riding again after all the bullshit happened, and then after the surgery. but it was a 'we' effort, and we were riding with groups of people for most of those rides. now, i have days off that i could conceivably go out and ride, but i'm scared shitless to do it alone. walking hurts my leg, even if i use compression shorts; running is still a joke if walking is still a no. and i'm too self-conscious of this damn mass on my leg to muster up the courage to don a bathing suit and hit the pool. so, instead, i am getting this wonderful house together and going to yoga on my days off. i plan on riding with dave this weekend, so we will see how that goes. but i'm trying my damndest not to stress about it. even though deep down, i feel like my identity is completely up in the air at this point, and i don't know which label to even attempt to catch. one way or another, it will come to me.