drained.

so i had my MRI last wednesday. on friday, i (quite illegally) concocted a scheme to get ahold of my doc. it worked brilliantly, and i was able to talk with him directly. and that's when i heard those words 'yep, i want to put a drain in.'. i felt like i was on autopilot, like i was a nurse talking about a patient, asking him what kind of anesthetic would be needed, how many drains, where the procedure would take place, etc. it was very surreal. after that call, i called dave, and told him the news. that's when i fell apart. at work no less.

another drain. at least one, won't know for sure until we literally get in there. he said that we will 'give it awhile' and if it doesn't 'work', we will go back in (surgery) and figure out what's going on. so, tomorrow morning, dave and i will get up at 5am to make it to ronald reagan by 6:30 to have another drain placed in my leg.

i'm strikingly ambivalent about this entire development. and that scares me. i'm up in the air about how i feel about it, what to wish for as far as outcome, and what to even expect. i remember thinking that for sure, last time i had jp drains in, i flat out couldn't work. i just couldn't. having that much movement all day long, being constantly afraid someone will run into me, or i clumsily run into something or someone. and yet now, i will have to work. how?? how the hell am i going to work with this thing in my leg? a couple of weeks ago i was floated to PICU and involved with a code on a 10 year old boy. he was so big that i found the only way to do accurate and successful chest compressions was to literally get on his bed and straddle him, tv drama style. i couldn't do that with a drain in my leg. i just couldn't. the pain, the movement, the lack of focus on anything but my leg, it's just not feasible.

and what do i wish for? do i hope that this works? if i do hope that this works, that means it will have to be in for quite awhile, since it's been just over 2 months since my last surgery. 2+ months with a drain in my leg?! i will literally go crazy. literally. but how else will we know if it 'works' if we don't wait long enough to see if it comes back? on the other hand, if i just wait for the surgery to come, that means that i'll have to have SURGERY. AGAIN. again they'll have to put me to sleep. again i could have to stay overnight at that damn hospital. again i'll have a massive, ugly, body shaping scar.

i have guilt. i feel guilty for continually blogging about being pissed off, or in pain, or in question of everything. i have guilt for bringing dave into all of this, for he is purely an innocent bystander. yes, he's there for me by choice. but it's not fair for him to keep having to endure me, and my drama. i have guilt for not being a good employee, a dependable one at least, since all of this keeps coming back around. i have guilt as a daughter, because my parents have enough going on in their lives. i feel guilt for not wanting to train. at all. i feel guilt for being so disgustingly jealous of dave's ability to train that it hurts.

i feel like everyone's life around me just keeps moving on, moving forward, while my stupid health keeps evolving, finding a new way to slap me in the face and hold me back from life. i don't have enough in me right now to be angry. angry with the one person who has brought all this upon me. i just don't have it left in me. that's not to say i won't, again, maybe tomorrow or the next day. but right now, i'm drained. how ironic.