i am proud to announce that i have experienced a tremendous amount of growth in the last week - personally, athletically, hopefully even professionally. i'm a control freak. i openly admit it. i like to have things my way, i've been single for a long time now, and i cherish my freedom. maybe too much. probably too much. i cherish the aspect of my 'freedom' that allows me to not do the dishes if i don't feel like it (ok, well, load the dishwasher). or not do laundry until i'm void of clean underwear. to be ok with that not-quite-right-almost-downright-nasty smell coming from my refrigerator. or take a nap in the middle of the day because i can. so when growth of any sort (except the kind that can be used for medicinal purposes, ie. mold in the 'frige) occurs in my life, it's all but monumental.
i let go of someone incredibly important in my life to gain 2 incredibly important people
this one is a little more personal, but a huge growth for me. long story short, and in attempt to respect all parties involved, i've given up (ok, so i kinda was forced, but i could've been an asshole about it and i wasn't) (ok, so i was an asshole for about 12 hours or so, but then i got over it) a romantic endeavor to allow 2 others to possibly find love, and in the process have gained 2 oh-so-important friends. friends that i'll have for many many years to come, i can say that without a doubt. i'm a brat. i'm essentially an only child (explains so much doesn't it?) and i can just flat out be an asshole if i don't get my way. i know that about myself. i'm working on it. but in this particular case, it took an unbiased party to bring my asshole views to light for me. i'm not happy about it taking someone else to show me the err in my ways, but i was able to fix the situation in a timely manner while omitting any permanent damage. which i am so thankful for. i am nervous for the way this will all go, but i am relieved that all the lines of communication are open, and am actually a tiny bit excited to see what the future holds. that's pretty damn positive, even for me.
i let go of my ego to possibly get a job
i'm a travel nurse. which means there's about 1000 travel companies out there, all trying to pimp me out. and i'm a damn good ho (a post for a different time, but trust me, you could learn a thing or two from me, i've got all kinds of tricks up my sleeve) - currently i have about 6 different recruiters working for me, finding me jobs all across the country. when i was in new orleans, i dealt with a very bad manager. there was a 'situation' that occurred, and i didn't feel as though my recruiter on that job stood up for me, nor do i feel she respected my wishes. the first chance i got (which was the end of that contract), i went with a different company/recruiter. i've now been unemployed for almost 8 weeks. i'm so far past "beside myself" it's not even funny. so tuesday i swallowed my pride and called my old recruiter. and by friday evening i was nailing the shit out of an interview. i will know shortly if i have the job for sure...
i let go of my own fiendish desire to enrich the life of someone else
today was the strawberry fields triathlon. when i realized i was physically way past ready to do a tri, i tried to register for it, but it was closed. i was pissed. i was jealous, so jealous that everyone else was getting to race this weekend. i could've signed up to work for the LATC as a volunteer, but selfishly decided against it - if i wasn't racing, i didn't want to be there, me being my typical brat self. and then came along karen. we met friday morning for breakfast, because i knew it was her first tri, and i also knew she was a wreck. when i first thought about being there for karen, i was honestly worried. i didn't know what i could do, i haven't been at this for very long, hell, i haven't even had my first tri yet. but i let that go, and decided that regardless, i'm told on a weekly basis that i don't act like i haven't been doing this for years. and karen needed support, and i knew she would succeed, but i had seen that flash of doubt in her eyes over oatmeal and french toast and an appearance by steven weber friday morning. being there for her, it could've blown up in my face, but i felt safe enough, and i had enough resources/people available to me that if i got in over my head (and therefore us), i could get us out. the result, absolutely amazing. i don't think i've ever been that happy to see someone succeed in all my life. the minute she crossed the finish line, all i could think of was getting her picture because she was going to want to remember that moment for the rest of her life. after i got those pics, i could only hug her and cry. i gained so much today. i learned so much today. i learned how to read people. i learned how to see fear before it's expressed. i learned that i have a knack for coaching. i learned that i can yell incredibly loud. i learned why people love to coach, because at times, it's so much more to be a part of someone else's success than to create your own alone. i also learned that i have a new hunger for triathlon. i want to soak up as much as i can in the next couple of months. i want to be a coach of some type within the tri world, possibly within the next year. i am good at helping people find their own strengths, something that beginners must have in order to progress successfully and confidently. i look forward to seeing how i'm able to further contribute to TNS.
i let go of my own (false) sense of control to find a love of running AND (so i'm told) you have to slow down to speed up
yes, feel free to re-read that. especially if you've read any of my previous blogs. if you haven't read my previous running blogs, you should do so now. don't worry. i'll wait...
done? have you always read that slow? ok, let's proceed. ;-)
my problem in my running has been the fact that i couldn't control my heart rate. i couldn't run any slower, and my heart rates were way too high to allow me to sustain any sort of consistency. or comfort. i always had to walk. and when i say 'always', i mean every fucking run workout i have done in the last 4 months, with the exception of ONE, i have had to walk. if you've never had that problem, i can't even begin to tell you what it does to your ego, to your confidence, to your every workout every day. the way it all turns out, and the reason i threw the word 'false' into this subtitle is because my sense of control was absolutely misplaced. if not non-existent to begin with. last weekend my coach and i had an absolute breakthrough conversation, for the both of us, i feel safe saying. after that talk, i gave up every last bit of control i had, and just let it all go. it was partially a conscious decision, and partially a decision made out of sheer exhaustion at not being able to accomplish my goals on my own. wednesday i went out for a run, scheduled to be out for 1:15. the goal per coach, keep your HR in zones 2-3. my goal: keep my HR 130-150 as i'm lazy and really amazingly bad at calculating percentages, so i have yet to assign numerical values to my prescribed zones. the result, i was able to be out there for 1:16, i had to walk 4 times for maybe a combined total of 10 yards in order to bring my HR down under 155, and WTF? i was able to enjoy myself. i found my 'forever' pace. something i used to view as an oxymoron. honestly. it was a snail's pace, no denying it. hell, those times i did have to walk, i shit you not, i initially felt nothing when i started my 'jog' back up again. but the goal was to control my mind and control my heart, and to make those 2 organs work in unison. mission accomplished. huge success. tonight, not even a week later, and after obvious dehydration today (who has time to hydrate when you're screaming your lungs out, flirting shamelessly - which is especially taxing i might add, and running your ass off back and forth between transitions and finish lines???), as well as lack of nutrition, i was able to duplicate wednesday's results. well, actually i did better. i NEVER walked this 4.6 miles, i did it WITH 11 0:30 sets of pickups interspersed in there. and i kept my HR under control. ginormous success. tonight proved that wednesday wasn't a fluke. on tonight's run/jog i started worrying/stressing (no, it never ends, smartass) about how this damn near crawl of a jog i've adopted can possibly translate into running faster, but my coach has yet to lead me astray.
it's very seldom that my life revolves around a common theme - or maybe it happens more often and i'm too stupid to realize it. but when it does, it's even more rare that that theme is a positive one. i'm a cynic, 100% bona fide, card-carrying cynic. but now, i'm relieved, i'm hopeful, i'm surprised, i'm exhausted. oh, and i'm absolutely CRAVING my next race. the santa barbara triathlon august 22 and 23. especially since i found out there will be cowboy boots and a cowboy hat involved...should make for an interesting weekend. hope eve is ready!!!!
1 comment:
awesome! keep it up.
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