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crazy shit swim today. here's what it looked like:

WU - 300 EZ
MS
10 x 100 - Pull Set (:10)
10 x 100 - Fins (:10)
10 x 100 - Standard swim set
5 x 100 - Pull Set (:10)
5 x 100 - Fins (10)
5 x 100 - Standard swim set
CD - 200

ya know, 5000m just isn't normal. i'm not michael phelps. i don't wear a speedo. i haven't smoked pot in years (unless you count that one time, on PCH). 5000m is normal for olympic athletes. not my retarded ass. that's probably why i ate that shit up! i think my coach gives me crazy shit workouts like this so that i will have something to blog about after. the real reason my coach gives me these crazy shit workouts is because he knows i have triathlete ADHD. and now, with my 'injury', this is what happens.

i realized today how long :10 breaks can really be. in past long swim workouts, i enjoyed the longer stretches, 400-600m at a time. but today, i didn't know how this was all going to go, so i just stuck to the schedule. kind of. i only did the first pull set with my pull gloves on one 100. those things absolutely kill my arms, way too quickly. i knew with those damn things on, i had no chance of making it all 5000m. i got a little bit bored by the 3rd set of 10 x 100s, so i decided to try my hand (arms? legs?) at flip turns. everyone i've ever seen always makes them look so easy. i've never seen eve do them, but i can totally picture the graceful aquatic somersault she'd perform. i've tried them once, and got so much damn water up my nose that i haven't tried since. i did it that first time, with fins on, and that was all she wrote. i did them for the rest of the entire swim. think your risk of illness increases with every inhalation of public pool water? i'll get back to you on that one.

when you go through 3+ swimming lane partners, you've probably been in the pool too long. just what i'm thinking. i went through 3, the '+' refers to this one lady with massive floatation devices not well covered by a string bikini. face it, those things cut a workout in half. who needs a wetsuit, just get breast implants. more expensive, sure, but that's just logistics. that's why she didn't count as an actual lane partner in my book. this lady was probably 50 years old, string bikini, full face of makeup, a visor with a swim cap over the back side of her head (so as not to get her equally fake platinum blonde locks wet, i assume). so random. and i'll admit, i did kick and punch just a little harder every time i passed her. she didn't last long.

the whole thing was amazingly zen. i found myself counting strokes, and realized it's the exact same pattern we use for neonatal resuscitation. so anyone out there who breathes with every third stroke, YOU TOO can save a baby. at one point i found myself closing my eyes, and just letting my arms take me. it was awesome. i hadn't thought about the potential pain with fins, but was pleasantly surprised when none came. had some cramping, but that's nothing new. i don't think i've ever finished a pool workout without cramping in my toes and/or calves.

2 hours later, i was done. i got into my truck, and already noticed that my arms and shoulders were sore. and just how NOT 'power' steering my truck has. i'm lucky i made it home. and of course i get home, i get my cheetos and my chocolate milk (hey - don't knock it til you try it), sit down in my chair, and i turn on the movie 'the kingdom' and i make it to the point when they're on the plane before i'm passed the hell out. GONE. i woke up with the ending credits. now THAT, my friends, is what i call a damn good workout.

never have i ever

so all day i've been trying to figure out a way to verbalize my workout this morning. literally. not figuratively. well, maybe slightly figuratively. i started pondering how to convey the sheer craziness while i was still in the midst of it. and i don't know that i can even come close to capturing the experience in text. and then all sorts of appliances started coming to mind. weird? yes. appropriate? hell yes.

washing machine

the easiest and most obvious first. that little post in the middle that swishes to and fro. except there wasn't a neat little basket to keep all my parts contained in one area. i've never been able to bend in ways i bent this morning. i was like a contortionist on acid playing with silly putty.

blow dryer

this one is kind of a stretch, but work with me. instead of wind being blow at you, imagine water. at speeds most people would be uncomfortable driving. you know how when dogs hang their heads out car windows while their owners fly along without regard to their furry friends, and their jowls are stretched back to their ears? and they slightly resemble an asian baby? that was me. but add goggles.

dishwasher

this one came to mind when i found myself about a foot past the break at one point. i turned around to see the crash, and i totally got pelted in the face by flying water coming back towards me. except there was no food stuck to me. the vomit had long since been washed off my face by then...(joke)

vacuum cleaner

oh the raw sucking power. riptide is an amazing thing. gerry kept saying riptide is a great thing for a triathlete. yeah, still don't get that part. i felt like one of those stupid stretchy WWF wrestler dolls the boys had when we were little, that you could stretch and stretch. except the doll always snapped right back into place. me, not so much snapping back anymore. i'm not gumby. well, some would object to that, but that's another post.

toilet

again, kind of obvious, but you know how at the very end, right before everything disappears to the great beyond down that hole? the velocity of that spin, yeah, that was me. i was the shit headed down that hole, where i would land, no one would know.

even now, 5 hours later, i'm still giggling. the 'warmup' lap separated the herd quickly. somehow or another i made it past that first break. once i knew i was remotely safe, i looked around at the other 3-4 survivors around me. everyone had this 'WTF' look on their faces. priceless. leave it to me to state the obvious, i then posed the question "well, that was fun, but how the FUCK do we get back in?" crickets. so we just started swimming.

my buddy and i went back out to 'play in the waves' (yes, the wisdom in that statement has already been questioned numerous times). we'd just made it past the break and started swimming out to lap the buoy ahead. i'm swimming along, and the next thing i know, i see all white around me, i managed to see that i'm a good 7 feet higher in the air than dave, and i realize, "holy fuck this isn't good." i was laughing before i even surfaced. the minute i popped up, dave immediately asked me if i was ok. something he'd do many times in such a short time. all i could answer with was "what the fuck was that???" good times.

popped something in my bad knee while just casually trying to swim in the rip. i was not even trying to fight it, i knew better within 5 minutes of being out there. i was just letting it take me, and i heard the pop. then, while under a wave, the damn thing still sucked me up, and when it slammed me back down, i jammed my ring finger just like my good 'ole basketball days. and my swimcap got ripped right off my head. salvaged the goggles.

a friend of mine just recently asked me what to do if you're getting pummeled by a wave. 1. i'm oh so glad he wasn't out there today. 2. go limp, play dead. don't fight. it can smell fear. know that eventually it will pop you up to the surface. whether or not you'll have lungs filled with oxygen or sea water, that's debatable but dammit, eventually it'll spit you out. 3. you can't ever stop. you have to commit one way or the other. either go and fight like hell, or go the other way and run like hell. either way, there's hell involved. know that, embrace it, become one with it. for some of us, it's just good practice.