stranded

our second attempt at IUI has failed.

this round has really made me think. i've never been a devout believer. in "God". i'm a firm believer in fate. probably 95% fate, 5% karma. or 95% fate, 4% karma, 1% juju. which is interesting: i grew up in the bible belt of america. my mother, while she doesn't go to church, prays and believes strongly in god. my dad was catholic. until he divorced. but even then, he still appreciates the faith and would likely go back if it weren't for the whole divorce thing. after all, he and his ex-wife raised 2 children in catholicism during their 25+ years of marriage. all my friends growing up always went to church, every sunday morning. for a time it was something i desired, but i believe now it was more of a peer pressure fad, not a pure quest for "supreme guidance". that's not to say that i don't believe in god. he may be up there, i don't know. but religion in general, in my opinion, is bullshit. it's a very clever way to keep people in line, to get them to conform. and damn if it doesn't work like a charm!

it goes without saying - if you believe in something, more power to you. far be it from me to deprive you of that belief, especially if it helps you through your day. and who knows, you may be right! i may be "lost". and by extension, royally screwed. on the other hand, i may be right.

in my profession, i've seen some truly heinous things. things that should never happen to another human, regardless of their past indiscretions. things that make me question if there really is a god. or if we're on a path, and that path changes depending on the decisions we make along the way. another example: soul mates. that's bullshit. i believe that with each day, we're faced with decisions. some are big, some are minute. but they all form that path. and somewhere along that path is someone who reinforces those decisions you've made along the way. for instance, take my own marriages. my first marriage was the result of not wanting to be alone. i didn't want to get married, but i'd decided myself off onto this tangent, and the only valid choice was to get married. he reinforced my life's choices up to that point. likewise, look at dave. i became a totally different person when i moved to LA. healthier, smarter in my choices, stronger. i discovered myself again in athletics, specifically triathlon, and made the decision to jump back into that lifestyle. right on time, i met dave at my first group ride.

my massage therapist, as well as her family, is mormon. her family recently experienced the very sudden loss of a family member. most likely an MI at the age of 41. their approach to death has been interesting to hear about. mormonism - that one's always mesmerized me. i had a friend once who was LDS (likely FLDS, can't remember for sure). she actually escaped from town the night before she was set to marry her 76 year old uncle. she was 14 at the time.

what's got me stumped is, when you're not a firm believer, or you're not really sure what you believe in at all, what happens when shit hits the fan? what do you do? do you pray? who do you pray to? obviously crying and mourning comes with the territory, but when it's time to pick yourself up, when you're not strong enough on your own, how do you get the fuck up off the floor?

it's times like this when religion makes perfect sense to me. but lately, i've also seen it as a crutch. it would be incredibly easy for me to ask "God" to help me right now. but if i don't firmly believe, it's a moot point as well as hypocritical. where does that leave me? stranded. and believers would say it's by choice, by stupidity possibly.