3rd anniversary

yesterday was the third anniversary of my "accident". i wonder if i'll ever lose the air quotes when i make that statement. probably not until i lose the anger regarding the event, huh?

the irony: my CPA needs more info about all of it, so today i find myself digging into the massive file that was those months and months. receipts, doc visit summaries, bills, attorney correspondence. it's all very weird. i'm completely objective until i come to the police report. "it looked like she flew five feet in the air" and "I asked what her name was, she replied Charrissa Jones. She knew her date of birth as well but was unsure of where she was. She was also unsure of the date. We asked if she hit her head. She replied 'I think so, I don't know'. It was later determined by UCLA medical staff (ICU) that P/2 suffered brain trauma (bleeding on the brain) as a result of the accident." yeah, those bring me to tears every time.

i still wonder about that day. what was that asshole so mad about? did he have a fight with his wife/girlfriend/significant other? did he get called into work and was angry about that? what caused his road rage? and even now - what happened to him? does he still work for that company? did he get fired? did he suffer at all because of his actions, or did he just get reprimanded for a day or two and return to work like nothing ever happened? does he have remorse at all for being a total jackwad, for being such an incredible ASSHOLE that his actions caused me permanent disfigurement?

i didn't want to ride that day. i didn't feel like it, and i had a crappy feeling about the whole thing in general. but we'd already driven all that way to the site, and if nothing else we'd go for a little spin and then go back home. i even shot a message to my coach halfway through the ride, telling him about my knee pain. he told me to stop. but i had to get back down to the car, so i had to keep going a bit longer. to this day when i get that same foreboding feeling, it's really hard for me to just swallow it and get out anyway. it's only happened twice, and both times i went out. the first time i ended up in tears on the side of the road and had to call my mom and talk me down in order to get back home. the second time it happened, dave was waiting for me when i got home and it seemed like no big deal. progress i guess!

this past wednesday, the day before my anniversary, a kindergarten teacher and mother of 4 was traveling (cycling) through Usury Pass here in phx. a 72 year old woman driving down the road crossed the center line, forced an oncoming car off the road. she corrected, and hit the cyclist, killing her instantly. she didn't stop, didn't even put on the brakes (per report), and proceeded on down the road. 6 miles later, she t-boned a honda truck in the intersection of McKellips and Ellsworth, killing the other driver on impact. in a matter of 20 minutes, a 72 year old lady killed 2 people. she's listed as critical but expected to survive. our triathlete/cycling community has come out in force, it seems. the Not One More foundation offers assistance to surviving family, and survivors in any way possible. but still, i cried. i have no doubt there is something medically wrong with this 72 year old woman, because witnesses report her erratic driving. but it feels very weird to be so angry with a grandmother, most likely, that you want her to rot in jail for the few years she likely has remaining. is this a normal feeling? probably no. the latest update reports she's from Payson, and last night I found myself looking her up. it's highly likely that in such a small town, her family owns/runs a big company that carries her last name. i also found a man possibly associated with her (her husband i'd guess) due to his age. maybe he's her husband, maybe he's her brother or cousin. what are they going through right now? there will be lawsuits, without question. are they trying to scramble now, obtaining an attorney to figure out how not to lose the family business, their house, their lives?

so often we have those moments where we're incredibly angry at the world, or our spouse, or our job situation, or our kids. whatever the cause, during that time of anger, we're likely to find ourselves on the road, in control of a 2-5 ton machine. i get road rage. i get irrationally angry when people cut me off. in CA, it was a daily way of life, and the morning commute rarely ended without flipping someone the bird. out here in AZ, life's a bit more calm, and you always have to worry that your bird message would receive gunfire in response. the fact of the matter is, it only takes one second. it takes one second to shatter someone else's life, and by extension, many other people attached to both sides.

i don't have a point here, really. well, maybe i do. think twice. err on the side of caution. if you're unsure, just wait a second. because you never know what might happen if you don't. you never want to be wishing that you would've killed yourself instead of that other person. that's a terrible thing to have to live with for the rest of your life.