caught up

i've been under a little stress recently. this is a new stress for me. one i've not dealt with in a long time. the stress of relationships. stress probably isn't the right word. because stress and relationship for me aren't mutually exclusive, obviously. stress is a natural occurance, relationships aren't. well, at least they haven't been for a few years now. for me, when i start a new relationship, i find myself diving head first, at the exclusion of other previously important priorities of my life. case in point: my training. my training has been almost nonexistent. i feel like shit. and i feel wonderful. it's exhausting.

i was pretty bummed about malibu, that was a nice mind fuck. there's nothing like training for a race for 6 months, something i hadn't ever done to begin with, only to have it play out the way it did. yeah, shit happens, of course extenuating circumstances came into play. did i overtrain, push too hard at one point or another these last couple months? yes. could the normal person do that? not safely, nor could i. i wrote it off as being unemployed, and able (and willing) to do whatever training my coach threw at me. knowing me relatively well, he threw all kinds of shit at me. and i loved it. regardless, i've been dealing with the mental challenge of not reaching my simplest expectations for that race.

next came my living situation. in the middle of the summer i had to move into a new apartment. but at the time, i had no furniture. hell, i've been without all furniture since the last weekend of may. that particular tidbit, for me, was a constant reinteration of what went down with my previous employer, not good. so, i decided to have all my stuff sent out here from NM. that was not an easy decision. it means the end of my travel nursing career. it means i'll have to find a permanent staff job. and relatively soon. something i had ZERO luck with for 3.5 months this summer. it means that i'm moving on to the next stage of my life. and i have no clue what that entails, which is exciting and terrifying all at the same time. again, it's exhausting. and unpacking? please don't get me started.

then comes work. work has been crazy. we've been super-low census recently, which means that the travel nurses end up getting canceled for shifts if there aren't enough patients to care for. makes sense, yes. makes bills, no. per my contract, any shifts i'm canceled for, the facility has to allow me to make those up. what does that mean? that means my schedule is always in flux. that means the days i want to go workout are now days i have to work. and i'm really really struggling with the work and workout issue to begin with. working 12 hour days doesn't mean 12 hours. it means getting up at the buttcrack of dawn, BEFORE any masters swim classes get going. it means making two really crazy shit long commutes with 10,000 of my closest friends and neighbors twice a day. it means getting home at 8:30-8:45pm and trying to find the time to get scrubs ready for the next day, eat, decompress, let alone trying to fit in a workout somewhere. i've written down all possible solutions to this particular problem, and have even asked around. the consensus: i'm fucked. oh, or sleep less. which also means i'm fucked. and what's really irritating is when those 9-to-5ers say something like 'yeah, but you only work 3 days a week.' well, yes, this is true. but YOU get saturday and sunday off, regardless, EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND. you have TWO days EVERY SINGLE WEEK that you know you can dedicate to training. and you have friends to do it with, because the rest of the damn world is off those days with you. even with familial obligations, you know you'll be able to get in a long ride/run/swim at least twice during those two days. plus you can go workout prior to work and still be able to function. you can go workout after work and still be in bed before 10pm. not the case here. my schedule is never the same 2 weeks in a row. running is now out since it's so dark before and after i get off work. yes, treadmill runs are an option, but i'd rather take off a third toenail with a baby fork and knife. trainer rides are pretty much my only option, and netflix can't send movies to me fast enough at this point.

then comes the newest curveball. after discovering i was essentially burned out, and seeing 100s of pics of me coming out of the water this summer with arms looking like blobs (solid blobs, but blobs nonetheless), i've hired a personal trainer to work me out once or twice a week. luckily he's super flexible with scheduling, and money. he's a very good friend of mine, which helps because it guarantees time i get to spend with him too. the downside, he's working my ass out. it's the only reason i've not totally gone off the deep end here in the last couple of weeks. i love that i'm sore again. i got to that point where i was no longer sore from my daily workouts. he's making me work different muscle groups, and that's very refreshing. and, you guessed it, exhausting.

i've been slacking on blogging. but don't take it personally - i've also been slacking in my relationships with my friends, my parents, my teammates, yeah, just about all of them, except for one. and luckily enough, that one is keeping me sane. for now. but i'm so damn tired, it's not even funny. i don't know if i'm coming or going anymore.

all this bitching, and i've only come to one conclusion: the race season is over in exactly 26 days. all i can do is hold on for dear life for the last 26 days. that's unless dave and i decide to do a fun costumed tri in november (right up our alley). but in those 26 days, i have my first oly and a big swim leg of a relay for SOMA. am i excited? hell no. not for either at this point. will i be? hell if i know. for the oly, it's safe to say probably not. i'm not prepared. and i mean whatsoever. my coach keeps sending me workouts, and that's now becoming comical. i'm so drained it's not even funny. discovered this weekend that i am probably having some electrolyte imbalances. and i know i'm having iron issues. i've always been anemic since i stopped eating red meat 18 years ago. but now i'm finding i'm all but lethargic at work, i find at least 2 new bruises a day somewhere on my body that i don't remember happening. what can i do? well, i need to get to a doctor. which adds to the cycle. when am i supposed to do that? somewhere between unpacking the 1000s of boxes from home, working out, working, spending time cultivating my new relationship, salvaging time to save my old ones, eating and sleeping. yeah, i'll get right on that.