today was the CHD walk. i'd had mixed emotions going to it, but i felt it necessary to go as a show of respect and support for Cole and what he's gone through. as it turns out, it was a very difficult day for me.
last year i raised a bunch of money for this walk. the day of the actual walk, i was sick and couldn't go. this year, i'm a mama. and for the first time since bringing this baby home, i felt a bit lost.
on one side, i had a bunch of nurses from my old unit banded together in matching t-shirts. on my other side, a huge family gathering in support of Jemma (Cole's girlfriend), also in matching t-shirts. and then there was me. stuck between my past. and my future. it was surreal.
i no longer have a "group". i'm a mama. i have a family.
quitting my job in August was a decision that was extremely hard for me to come to. in some ways i felt forced into it, all the while knowing it was the right thing to do. but sometimes, even when you know it's right, you still resent it. and i think today was proof that i've not yet let go of that part of myself. i've fully, 100% without a doubt embraced motherhood, and i love it. and i cannot be more thankful for having the opportunity to stay home with cole. but i still miss that nurse part of me.
i absolutely love the symbolism of the little rainbow across his eyes.
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