numero trois

been laying low for quite awhile here. that would be because we had our first attempt at IVF mid-May. it was successful. there were some ups and downs out of the gate. they transferred two of my embryos back into me. my first couple of lab draws indicated some issues, but there was no way to tell what those issues were. the next couple indicated that everything was great, the labs were going up better than expected. last week i had some spotting, and freaked out a bit, but this past Monday we were able to see the blurb on ultrasound. everything measured correctly, and we scheduled our next ultrasound for a week later, where we should be able to see the heart beat.

and then came Wednesday. all day long i was cramping. but without bleeding, so i kept my thoughts positive and muddled through the day. around lunchtime while doing laundry, i threw my back out. for the remainder of the day it was in spasms, and very painful. at midnight the cramping and my back pain actually woke me up. while in the bathroom i discovered blood. a lot of it. i knew it was all over. and shortly thereafter i realized that my cramping and some coordinated back pain was coming in waves. they were cramps, yes. but they were also contractions.

at that thought, i went numb. i read a few different websites, trying to see if others in my situation had to have surgical intervention and whether i should go to the hospital. i woke dave up, but he is of the school that we shouldn't worry until we have facts. i knew in my heart what was happening, i didn't need facts. i called my mom, 1:30am her time. she cried with me.

at 3:30am i went back to bed, exhausted mentally and physically. i'd had well over 14 hours of pain throughout Wednesday, and my body was tired. when dave's alarm went off at 6, my pain came back with it.

my doc called us in for an ultrasound, and by 8:30am we had the facts. i had already passed everything from the baby. all that was left was a large clot. i would not need surgery. and of course on the doctor's end, all was good news. we had managed to get pregnant, meaning this process would/could work for us. on our end, i was numb, and dave returned to work. with a script for muscle relaxants, i went to the pharmacy, still in considerable pain.

today my cramps have subsided significantly, and somehow that has awoken my sadness. i'm no longer numb. today i am hurting. today i am sad. once again, today i am someone with unexplained infertility.