this week has been a little rough. this whole weight-loss bullshit has been just that. i haven't really lost anything. i've been steady at the exact same weight as i was 6 weeks ago. mentally i feel better on the thyroid, but the scale just isn't moving. when i'm spending $400 every 4 weeks, yeah, screw that shit. i went to a different (read - real) doc at kaiser this past monday. in every way possible she made me feel like shit for doing this weight loss program. they have all their "meds" in their own little envelopes, not in their original containers so there's no way to make sure they're even meds. and i realize this, i've known it since i started the program. to that i say, what the fuck choice did i have?! i'm still not fat enough for bariatrics, nor would i even contemplate having surgical intervention. my stupid PCP wouldn't refer me to an endocrinologist because my thyroid was "normal" when we checked it months ago. i was past options. i only had one. so i took it. well, that one didn't work. back to square one. i dumped my old PCP, found a new one. the same one who ridiculed me for going to this weight loss program. i ended up in tears at that appt on monday, asking her what the hell did she want me to do?! what options did she see that i didn't for where i am now?! luckily she was cool enough to refer me to an endocrinologist up front. she also ordered labs. at that point we both realized the endocrinologist would most likely do a complete blood work-up. which means i needed to get off all the "meds" the weight loss place had me on - thyroid alone takes about 2 months to clear your system. luckily kaiser's referral system is archaic, or so we thought. i got a call the next day to schedule my appointment. i did get one for a few weeks out, but even still, my labs at that point won't be accurate. which means that referral will probably be useless. whatever, i'm so over all of it. on my way home from the last weight loss appointment more than a week ago, i actually had the thought that maybe i'd just live out the rest of my life fat. sure, i'd end up a diabetic, but maybe that's just the way it goes sometimes. that sounds absolutely stupid, but that's just where i am.
ironically, i've pretty much filled my race calendar for the remainder of the season. the one i'm truly worried about comes next weekend. it's really just shy of a half ironman, and lord knows i'm not in half ironman shape. but i'll get through it. part of me just wants this season to be over with. i feel like this is my recovery season. next season i'll be remotely lighter, and i'll be able to actually race again. right now i'm just surviving, not racing. and even that thought is dumb. i can make it whatever i want it to be. my logical side knows that. maybe my other side is just using that excuse (of a recovery season) as a crutch. and if i'm really out there racing and training, it's not really a terrible crutch. it can always be worse. i could still be on the couch watching dave walk out the door every day, headed to his next workout. instead i'm trying to get back into it. now though, without the thyroid, i'm having a harder time than ever. i'm absolutely exhausted. this past week, i've been in bed by 8:15pm, most likely asleep by 8:30. getting 7-8 hrs of sleep every night, but still so tired at work by the middle of the day that i just get nothing done. nothing productive anyway.
i'm oh-so-excited about next weekend. our 2 year anniversary. i can't believe it's been 2 years. it seems/feels like so much longer. in a good way, of course. but still, 2 years ago i thought i was going away with dave and evey for a regular race weekend. yet we left there knowing nothing would ever be the same. it's crazy.
i'll take lots of pics!
it's time for a nap now. damn thyroid...
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