fatty needs a break

i've been going through some rough times lately. my weight has consumed me, pun intended. dave and i started the paleo diet, and we chose to do the version specific to athletes. the only problem is, i hadn't been doing workouts, so i wasn't able to see any results. dave was. and then my aunt slipped into a coma, so going home for 1.5 weeks threw everything off. dieting away from home is rough. dieting paleo-style away from home is all but impossible. it's just not feasible, especially this diet. i did the best i could.

when i got back from albuquerque, i came home to an absolute shit storm at work. i missed yet another nursing strike, and this one turned very ugly. my doc and i got into over a particular parent. it was just bad. plus i hadn't been to the grocery store before starting the week, and paleo all but demands at least 2-3 trips per week. i chose my foods wisely, but i definitely wasn't taking in enough. i also decided not to go back home for all the funeral services, and i had a ton of guilt about that.

last wednesday i realized in the shower that i was too fat to race or even train safely. i have zero lateral meniscus left in one knee, arthritis in both. i've been training without my knee brace for months now. i'm just begging for surgery at this point. added weight is a surefire way to get there. within literally 5 minutes i decided i couldn't/wasn't going to do barb's race. my world crashed in on me at that point. that was a really bad day. this time last year, i was laid up on a couch just dreaming of running again. this year again i'm sidelined, but by my own doing. i'm ashamed, i'm distraught, i'm disgusted. i absolutely hate my body. i have zero self-confidence of my appearance at this point.

it's funny, some of the people close to me come back with 'oh all you have to do is...' and then proceed to tell me about some variation of diet and exercise that worked for them. i appreciate the words, but really, if it were that easy, i would've been doing it. for fuck's sake, i did a half ironman 2 months ago, and trained for it for 3 months, yet i continued to put on weight. something is wrong. period.

my solution as i see it is to enlist the help of a professional. i had all my bloodwork drawn this past friday, which is why i chose this particular weight loss program. i need to know for my own sanity that everything is ok, that i don't have a tumor grown inside my stomach, or have grown insulin resistant, or hypothyroid. the possibilities are endless. on the one hand i'm praying it's something like that, something fixable. on the other hand, duh. i'm exhausted at all times of the day. i cry just about daily now. poor dave is losing his damn mind. he's constantly doing his job, telling me i'm beautiful, but when you see those 3 numbers on the scale, everything else just becomes bullshit.

this program administers B12 i believe twice a week. on top of appetite suppressants. and diuretics. since i've not yet seen a doc, they started me on the natural products first. i haven't taken them for some reason. one of them was the diuretic, and that has really thrown me for a loop. i know as a nurse that hctz and any diuretic is good for about 3 days. so why give it to your clients? well because when they see that drop in weight they think 'it's working!!!' and they fork over more money. i don't know that i'll be taking that particular course. i plan on discussing it with the doc. i don't know why i've been so hesitant to start it all. i'm miserable. i'm not sure this is the route for me, but i see no formidable options besides this.

needless to say, it's been a rough few weeks. i gave 2 different diets adequate time to work, and got no results (in fact i got negative results, as in gain). i'm at this dead end, trying to find my way out...