i'm tired

that's how i'm feeling. today.

i'm tired of not being able to sit on the toilet correctly.

i'm tired of not being able to scrub my head in the shower.

i'm tired of not being able to sleep on my left side.

i'm tired of the headaches that are so severe i can't even communicate with my spouse.

i'm tired of not being able to run a comb through my hair.

i'm tired of not being able to move with anything resembling speed.

i'm tired of not being able to (legally) drive.

i'm tired of being exhausted.

i'm tired of wondering where this is going to lead my life.

i'm tired of having this disconnect with the outside world.

i'm tired of being terrified of traffic.

i'm tired of being worried about everything i put in my mouth since i'm unable to get any sort of physical activity to burn it off.

i'm tired of mapping my day out around my naptime.

i'm tired of riding this emotional rollercoaster.

i'm tired of not being able to move my right eyebrow.

i'm tired of not being able to wear my hair down because i can't stand the way it hangs over my scab.

i'm tired of said scab oozing pus. it's disgusting.

i'm tired of being so jealous of other people preparing for the upcoming race weekend, it brings me to tears.

i'm tired of being a burden to dave. he doesn't deserve this.

i'm tired of this tumor-like protrusion from my leg. it feels disgusting. i feel disgusting in public. it hurts. it hangs down like a sac of fluid and the fluid just swishes with every step. it's nauseating and painful.

i'm tired of not being able to wear whatever i want to wear. i have one pair of shorts that fit. other than that, it's only skirts. nothing else fits over my ass-let.

i'm tired of worrying about how i'm going to pay my bills.

i'm tired of worrying about how this damn lawsuit is going to play out.

of course i'm thankful for so many more things. but today i'm not in the mood to list those. i'm in the bitching mood. this is bullshit. yes, it's only temporary. but for this time, right now, this is total and absolute bullshit. i should be bitching about work. or about how i can't run fast enough. or stressing about this weekend's race. not about how pus continues to ooze from my head laceration. this is total bullshit.