life is getting in the way...

of training. of sleep. of relationships. of eating. of sleep. of training...

it's been a rough couple of weeks. hence my hiatus from the blog world. was able to finagle my way out of work last weekend in order to fly home to NM to surprise my mom for her 50th birthday party. i requested a tough workout weekend from my coach, since it would be the last weekend before malibu. he delivered with a mock-tri for saturday, and an easy ride for sunday. saturday came, i made my grand reveal to my mother, and then tried to find a pool. no pool to be had. no swim workout. no mock-tri. so that turned into a 90 min ride followed by a 30 min run. the ride i slammed, covered 27.7 miles at 18.34 avg mph. i was pleased. the run, eh. with my injury (achilles/PF) still lurking around, i did what i could. sunday i was able to ride for only an hour. i wasn't feeling good, my allergies/asthma always go nuts in NM. monday i got to see my godson, whom i've not seen since xmas (i'm such a bad godmomma) and of course he and his older sister were sick. translation, charrissa is sick for the rest of the week. further translation, unable to train. excellent. it's not like malibu is my 'A' race or anything (typed drenched with sarcasm btw).

the past week itself has entailed 4 separate friends calling me (3 all on the same day even) in crisis. i cherish the fact that i'm the one they call. i really do. co-dependence at its finest. my career choice make sense? i think so...but their crises aren't always fixable from my standpoint, i can only help so much. and it bums me out to actually have to ask if i even helped at all. i'm kind of like a guy in that regard - if you give me a problem, i'm going to fix it. i'm not the best person to come to repeatedly with the same problems over and over. if given the chance to fix your situation, do it. otherwise don't bitch to me anymore. that's how i see it. luckily none of these problems were repeats. good for me, not so much for them. the bad part for me, coming into this weekend, i've gotten maybe a quarter of the sleep my body requires to function at minimal standards, that's not even training, i'm just saying to function safely at work, to safely make the commute back and forth to said work...not good. tired girl.

my mom then comes into town thursday night (as planned months ago) to see me race. we've had a great time, as we always do. but for another kink, my mom recently broke her jaw. which means that she's on a soft diet for 6 weeks. and we're only 3 weeks into that. which means it's very difficult to find restaurants to suit her new dietary restrictions. which then means that she goes hungry for most of the trip. added stress for the both of us. especially since i know the only factor i can really control coming into this weekend is my nutrition and hydration status.

we went down to malibu today to watch evey (as well as other teammates of course) race the oly distance. and boy did she slam it. the look on her face, the voluminous smile as she trotted out of T1 yelling 'i didn't throw up!!!!!' made the entire day worth it. not only was she smiling, she was functioning, both physically and mentally. she killed the bike, she killed the run (as always). she came across the line smiling (of course), and was so happy. afterwards lead to a team breakfast where i got to meet a teammate from san diego, which we've all been eagerly looking forward to. during that lunch, it was decided that malibu is no longer my 'A' race. i've been coughing up green/yellow shit for a week, i'm again dependent on my rescue inhaler bc of my asthma, i have no ventilatory capacity left. so screw it. all my training for the last 6 months geared towards this race, it's been rerouted. talk of DNF'ing on the run was thrown out (by me), and just as quickly taken back shortly after my coach pointed out my inability to actually voluntarily DNF at a race. he's right. i couldn't. i'm really bummed that only max and i are racing tomorrow. i'm so glad he is with me though. i'd feel like a moron if i were the only TNSer racing the short distance. i know, i shouldn't, we're all at our own levels and blah blah blah. still would feel like a moron.

insert my anxiety. while packing up my T-bag this evening, i was looking over taunto and decided to give him a spin while he was still on my trainer. i was supposed to do a trainer/run workout anyway pre-race. obviously that didn't get done today. so i get on him, and ride for MAYBE 5 minutes. at the end of that 5 minutes i needed my rescue inhaler. WTF? and holy shit. my original plan after this morning's race was that i was going to do the same thing i did at SB - slam the swim and the bike, do what i could on the run and be happy with it. and here i am, 5 minutes on the TRAINER, needing my inhaler. i was fucked. and terrified. and pissed. it hadn't even occurred to me that my lungs wouldn't even be able to make it through the swim or the bike. ever want to really piss off an athlete, hinder their ability to accomplish even their most menial goals. multiply that by 100 and you've got where i am right now. i haven't been able to train like normal for weeks. i have no idea if i can even run without pain. i'm still coughing up shit. i sleep clutching my inhaler bc i need it once or twice during the night. all of these realizations have made me a very unhappy camper. lots of apologies have been dealt around today. which further contributes to my mood - hate having to apologize for being an ass (no i don't like being an ass in the first place, but having to apologize for it later REALLY pisses me off, go figure). i hate not being able to compartmentalize things. i can't do it. when one aspect of my life is off, i'd love to be able to just proceed as normal, without allowing it to consume my every interaction, my every thought. i suck at hiding things. need to work on it. or do i?...

so what's to come for tomorrow? fuck if i know. what do i know? i know there will be tons of people i know to watch me fail. ok, maybe not fail. that's melodramatic. but it's how i feel. sure, they don't know it's my 'A' race. but they also don't know i've been sick. and dealing with injury. so poor performance doesn't really equate. and i feel like my performance thus far this season has been somewhat overinflated. why? i'm not too sure. i don't know if that's all in my head. or if it's really out there. i know i can swim. i'm told i can swim pretty well. i know i can bike. i know i can bike pretty well. i know i can't run for shit. especially right now. and trying to throw all expectations out the window, while ideal, i just not possible for me. i've intentionally not asked for time goals from my coach. that to me, is the essence of how i feel about this race. it's not that i don't care (although truth be told, i'm trying to care less and less as the pre-race minutes tick away - defense mechanism probably), it's just that i can't even begin to guess what i'll be able to do tomorrow. and that really really screws with my head. this is just NOT how i wanted my 'A' race to go off this season. BOOOOOOOO. look for an interesting race report coming your way soon...