christmas 2012

dave and i went home for christmas this year. we were supposed to go back east, but the closer it got to december, the more it was looking like that wouldn't happen. things were really getting rough for dave at work, and he was told point blank that the final quarter rested completely on his shoulders. if they made it, it would be due to him. if they failed, it was because of him. that's awesome.

we found out the week prior we'd be able to go, so we went for it. we drove the 16 hours. on the way there we took the north route through payson and onto the 40. the drive there is always a good one because of the excitement. both dogs slept the entire way there. well, after payson they slept. before payson, there was this:

we didn't get to do the annual trip to lubbock, tx for pre-xmas shopping. we lost my grandmother over thanksgiving, and i was way sick by this point so we weren't in the cheeriest of moods as a group. one of the best parts - the dogs. just like last year, there was a pack of dogs that always end up at home for xmas. this year the pack was 8 strong, including our two. every once in awhile another 4 would join in the fun. kelty had a blast. for the second year in a row the snow came on christmas day as well, and it was the first for kelty:

i ended up having to be seen again for my cold/bronchitis. the meds i got before leaving phx weren't working anymore, and i was miserable. ended up with 2 shots in the ass and a mega antibiotic. both of which helped tremendously. on christmas eve we all went over to my dad's ex-wife's house (normal for us, it's very weird) and spent a wonderful evening with that entire side of the family. my dad got a bit tipsy and decided it was time to try on my brother-in-law's bow tie. he's not really my BIL, he's actually married to the daughter of my dad's ex-wife's husband. see. brother-in-law is close enough. anyway, here's the result:

whisk and dish towel purely for effect

dave's been wanting a new mountain bike, and he was pretty sure it was his christmas present. instead he got clothes. that one wasn't the best, but there's no way i'd buy a bike for him without his input. instead, he did this for me:

when i say this bike is amazing, i'm not even lying a bit. we picked it up when we got back and we took it for a ride around the neighborhood that night. i've since ridden the hell out of it, and it's just a dream. it's a specialized ruby which is the women's version of the roubaix. it's awesome! 

race report - 12k's of christmas

12k run - 1:54

this will be a short race report - i don't remember a lot. i do remember it sucked. a lot. i got there pretty early because i was racing alone - dave had to work. it was very cold that day, and i had lots of layers on. it was also a dog friendly race, and they were out in force. dogs EVERYWHERE. i have total ADHD around dogs and can't focus. it helped with the pre-race HR though. 

the race was shaped like a cross/t along the canal in Gilbert. the first 2 legs of the "t" were fine, and then at the start of the 3rd it started to rain. by that time i was warmed up and had shed some layers. which meant my base layers got really wet. it'd been raining all week so the course was crap, really muddy. don't remember if i held my run/walk intervals or not. i remember being VERY HAPPY to see the finish line, it was a bit of a miserable race.

what i do know is that the next day i woke up sicker than a dog. over the course of the next three weeks, i was treated for a cold, then pneumonia, then bronchitis. totally ruined my christmas in clovis, and didn't do shit for our new year's celebration either...

spinning heads

dave and i are having issues lately, but i didn't realize how many until i sat down with a friend for lunch! my head is spinning, and not set to stop for at least another month.

our vet was having a sale last month on vaccines. dave nudged me to get ours in. which meant that we had to spread out 5 vet appts over 3 weeks so that we could still afford food. everyone is healthy; our littlest cat jaxi had an issue with her vaccines. she was very lethargic and wouldn't eat/move/poo/pee/drink for a good 24 hours after. but then she returned to normal. kelty's vaccines were on hold until the parasite in her tummy was treated. that's over. we have one more vaccine now, and then she can run like a wild woman in the grass throughout the neighborhood.

as far as project baby, last month i had a cyst on the right side. had to sit out a month because the meds they give will just make cysts grow. that was a blow, but i looked at it as just not meant to be. i went back last week (one month later). yeah. now i'm growing one on the other side. even bigger this time. another setback.

since early september my asthma has been going crazy. i've not worked out in a few weeks now because i can't go outside or i end up with chest pain. i found a wonderful pulmonologist out here. she believes i have valley fever. which can get pretty nasty. she added 2 meds to my regimen about 3 weeks ago. my labwork was a bit confusing - the screener for VF said i had it, but the actual test said no. she believes that i have it, but i just don't have the antibody level to detect it yet. so i have to have blood drawn every 2 weeks until it either comes back positive or my symptoms die down. she added another 2 meds to my regimen on tuesday. i'm up to 6 meds per day so far. the problem is this: the treatment for vf is an anti fungal that's teratogenic. it causes massive birth defects and i believe can even cause a miscarriage. what's worse, i believe you have to abstain from trying for 3-6 months after treatment to ensure it's cleared your system. which means if i do have it, i'll be happy that i can finally get back out there and resume my life, but the other side of our lives will be put on hold yet again, this time for MONTHS. i have no idea what to wish for...

dave is training for IMAZ, but it's not going as well as we'd hoped. his heart rate zones for his ride are really low. long story short, it's to conserve his legs and energy for the run. which he's done a great job of the last few races, but for training rides he's miserable. that's been hard to watch, especially when i can't even ride myself. have to keep getting him to refocus on the bigger picture, not just this one little frame.

the november horror show is about to commence. i've got house cleaners lined up for 2 fridays so far, a cleaning service to come do my couches, and someone else to come clean my floors (nasty tile and grout). trying to get everything ready for the mass of people we'll be having in our house. that's not fun, and it can get to be quite stressful, but i'm dealing.

my replacement at my old job is completely massacring my job. i hear from a few sources that she's totally ignoring all the duties and is sitting on her ass everyday, thinking up ways to not do shit. that just hurts me on so many levels. it's one thing to leave a job that was perfect for you, and against your will really. it's another to have a replacement whom you knew from a previous job (and was a shitty nurse even then) come in and just trash everything you built. she's sent word to me asking me to call her at work one day. this is after she's been there for 5 months and has already been instructed by the one i replaced (for a day and a half, mind you - i spent a whole 2 hours with the same lady and managed just fine).

on a happier note, lucca was the devil and kelty was a lady bug for halloween last night! both hated it. lucca had visions of murder streaming across his eyes. kelty just tried to eat the tulle on her costume. whatevs. here's pics:

race report - urban dirt tri

i only have my roundabout numbers, for reasons to be explained later. and i'm only posting them so that i can come back to this in a year and see that i beat my time.

750m swim in 20 min / 6.1 mile bike in 1:26 / 5k run in 1:02 / slip 'n slide at finish 5 min

i signed up for this race back in may. dave said that it might sell out so i went for it. of course the summer was way too hot to actually get in any time on the mountain bike, but i didn't really take that into consideration.

friday before the race dave and i went out to Papago Park to pre-ride the course. the course map SUCKS, so we kinda just followed the flags tied to the bushes. after 5.1 miles of the 13.2 mile bike course, my legs were toast and i was done. and now completely freaked out. there was no way i'd get through 2 laps of that course and then go out and do a trail run. i emailed my coach with 2 options - either i go out and do one loop of the bike course and get out on the run (and also DQ) or i pack a shitload of food and water and plan to be on that course for 2.5-3 hrs. she told me to do one lap and get on the run. 

saturday night before the race i decide to watch the course video and read the athlete guide. after doing so, it turns out dave and i went the wrong way when we rode it. i got excited thinking maybe i could do both loops after all!

the race didn't even go off til 11am, which meant that dave had to do his 20 miler run without me on the bike next to the group. bummer. due to our new baby girl kelty (another post), it also meant that even after he got home from his run, he'd have to stay there for awhile, missing my race start. but he would be there for the finish, so good enough!

there were only 3 waves of the race, and it was pretty laid back. young guys, old guys, then all women. we maybe had 30 girls in our heat. it's a water start, so as we're treading water, we all start chatting. one older lady informs the group that this is her first time on a mountain bike, EVER. another tells us this is her first TRI. i'm thinking "well then for SURE i'll make it through the whole bike course - i'm a least in a little better shape than these chicks!". swim went fine, although it took forever to find my stride. didn't happen until the turnaround. there was also someone who slammed into me for an entire 100m stretch. for some reason i just kept on going. the old me would've voiced my thoughts "SERIOUSLY?! there's like 5 girls in our wave and you have to swim RIGHT ON TOP OF ME?! wtf?!", but i kept them to myself and just turned up the speed a bit. 

now's a good time to tell you about what i'd heard about the bike course. i'd heard everything from "it's a bit technical" to "not bad at all, except for one part" to "up and down like a roller coaster and then a long time along the canal (= flat)". 

got out on the bike and to my surprise we did go the way dave and i went. bummer. within the first half mile is a huge nasty downhill with a big ass "CAUTION" sign next to it. we'd been warned so i dismounted. right in the middle of it was a wash with really deep gravel/sand crap. after that gnarly pass, we went up. and i mean straight up. you could see the path for the next mile, as it's known as "the wall". and i shit you not, i saw not a single person actually riding their bikes. everyone was walking it up this hill. awesome. dave and i had ridden down it and it was dicey. walking up it just sucked. my calves were blown within the first mile of the course. at the top of the wall i pulled over and ate some. but i couldn't get my whole uncrustable down, just didn't want it. my stomach was yuck and i didn't want to tempt fate. also at the top was a girl pulled over, except she was there because she'd already gone down on the backside of the wall, and her wrist was likely broken. i offered advil and she declined so i kept going. the back part where she went down was absolutely awesome. it's a huge down hill with deep gravel (dicey but i made it) and then single track, which was awesome. i get to the canal path and we're with the wind so i'm able to hold 15mph or so. of course the turnaround comes super quick, not a "long time" whatsoever. we turn around and then we're right into the wind. we ride back in and go the opposite way down the path that dave and i rode it friday, so at least i knew what was coming. had to dismount and walk it up again for a section. my HR wasn't registering on my computer - i think anytime i get that sucker wet, the race is shot. it won't register anymore until my skin is dry. piece of shit. expensive piece of shit.

so i came to the point where you either go into transition or you go out for another loop. wasn't even a consideration to go another loop. my legs were done. i'd even contemplated just bagging the whole thing and being done, that's how wasted my legs were. i got into transition and dave was there, so i took all my run stuff to the wall alongside the water and talked to him while i changed. i didn't have a lot of energy at all. the first 1.5 miles of the 5k were all trail, my first official trail run. it wasn't pretty. well, it was beautiful, but my running it wasn't pretty. i walked almost that entire damn 5k. almost tripled my normal 5k time! as soon as you cross the finish line there was a lovely slip 'n slide with an even lovelier high schooler with a hose. i just laid there. 

overall, pleased as hell with my effort. i informed the timing people that i'd shorted the bike, so i got my DQ as expected, but they still left my final time up on the website. i was 5th in my age group! but that was shorting the course. had i completed the course, i would've been last by about 45 min. 

i'll come back to conquer that bastard course one day...

fail

i haven't figured out if i should really post about this, but i've done so up to this point. my whole 4 readers (do i even have that many anymore?) might care, they might not. but at least blogging about it is easier than having to text everyone. and hopefully much more therapeutic.

IUI #1 = fail

i originally wanted to post "failure" as opposed to "fail", but i stopped myself. i think that might be a good sign.

as an added precaution, my doc (as do most RE specialists) has me on progesterone after the IUI. however, the hormone keeps me from having a period too. i don't know if this is normal or not, haven't looked it up yet. yesterday was the day i should've started, and i was cramping pretty much all day. i tried to just lay low and keep my mind as calm as possible. by nightfall though, i knew i couldn't go through this for the rest of the week - especially since the progesterone kept me from a period last time for more than 15 days.

i bought tests last night and took them this morning. negative. it's funny - no one says anything about the failure rates of first time IUI, until it fails. and then all i keep getting is "it's really rare for it to take on the first time..." well, that doesn't really help me. i took on the first time dammit. my mom had IUI to conceive me and i took that very first attempt.

i've done my research now. i know how unsuccessful it is. but there was just something about this whole process this time, i was so sure it was going to take. now i get to wait for my period, which i'm having a hard time viewing as anything but more added torture at this point. yes, probably a bit overdramatic, but that's where my head is right now. the tears stopped after i got up the second time this morning, but i don't know how well i'll hold it together once dave gets home.

on all the forums and chat rooms all the women have their own little signature boxes, complete with their entire journey through conception. and i can tell you, they're never short. it took me awhile to figure out what all the letters meant, but i have the hang of it now. when i'd read through these, i would think "wow, these people have been through so much heartache, they must be so strong." at the same time thinking "most of the women at least have one reproductive challenge (i.e. PCOS, low hormone levels, etc.). i don't have that problem, i'm now healthy. it won't take that long for us, we won't have to go through all that." deluded or naive? you pick. either way, i'm an idiot at best. foolish at least.

my first reaction after dave left the house this morning was that i couldn't do another round of IUI. i wanted to go straight to IVF. it's much more invasive, lots more drugs and injections and monitoring, but the success rates are substantially better. now i don't know. i'm totally shaken up because i thought this was it. maybe that was my first mistake. but how do you go through this without thinking positive and being hopeful? i guess you don't, but maybe in hindsight i did too much of both. maybe i didn't do enough of either.

disregard the previous statement about the lack of tears...

stress

stressful time in my life right now! we all have stress, and it comes from different sources on different days. however, it's been my experience that if you have constant stresses from constant sources, it's definitely time to make some changes. that's where i am, ready to make some changes.

1. finances are always a problem for any family. i'm not bringing anything in. and even worse, every 6 weeks i have to dish out $3,950 for school. i'm now to the point that i'm trying to identify those areas of our lives that are sucking us dry. the most glaring issue - triathlon. we joined a great team, and i'm the first to say it. however, the cost is enormous. and even worse - during most of the training season, there's no difference between the cost for me versus the cost for david. when i'm not doing shit as far as races go when dave is training for an ironman, yet our monthly dues are the same, something is glaringly wrong there. i love the team, but i'm not going to continue paying that much money into something that i can't dedicate everything to.

2. babies. we made it through IUI last week. now we're at that horribly stressful time where we wait...and wait...and wait. dave goes to work at 4:30am. i'm now stressing about when to test. the doc gave me a date that i could start testing on, but it's a weekday. i don't want to test without david, but i also don't want to test at 4am only to have him walk out the door 30 min later. either way this goes, i'm going to need some physical support through this stage!

3. home. this damn house is too damn big. and right now i'm doing a horribly shitty job of keeping up with it. i'm pretty good about keeping the kitchen clean, and my own shower, but that's about it. i'm usually pretty on top of laundry too, but that's only because dave would have nothing to wear on workouts if i didn't. my biggest issue here is motivation. i won't clean anything else unless it looks horrid. i just have no motivation, nor have i ever, to play housekeeper.

4. boxes. they're fucking everywhere. we have family and friends coming to stay with us in 2 months. that means all the in-house boxes MUST be gone. i'd love it if we had more furniture, but see #1. seeing as how i barely clean up after myself, the idea of bringing a whole bunch of shit out of boxes that i obviously don't need (or else i would've already unpacked it and put it where it goes) nauseates me. it will definitely take a team approach here. starting this weekend in fact.

5. school. school sucks. it's total bullshit. i have people in some of my classes that truly cannot put together a coherent sentence (no shit - a true example: "ask" was spelled REPEATEDLY as "ax"). and it would be fine if our grades are based solely on the work we do individually, but UofP has a very asinine rule of team work. so when i get these people on my teams, it doubles the work i have to do because i have to decipher what the hell they wrote and then rewrite it into actual words and sentences. i've enjoyed editing, in previous years - not anymore. but the thing that gets me here is that these people will get the same grade i will, because of me. and what's worse - they'll be able to sign their names just the same way i will, because people like me will have gotten them through their entire degree's course work! that's crazy!!! and while it's crazy, it's completely sad, and really becomes a source of depression. what the hell does my degree mean then if these people graduate with the same one?! i have 9 classes left and 2 practicums. for the practicums i have to go to a nearby hospital and address a staff concern (basically i have to fix whatever problem they bring me). trying to figure out how the hell i'm going to pick a place that will be able to satisfy this requirement is already causing me stress.

in all my bitching, i have a new rule. you can bitch as much as you'd like, but then you have to come up with possible solutions in the very next breath.

1. finances - we have to sit down together and figure things out. we can't keep on like we are now. sacrifices will have to be made on both our parts. plan to sit down this evening and talk with him about it. also, yesterday i applied for 8 jobs - keeping my fingers crossed on that one, but with #2 in limbo, i have no idea how i could ethically start a new job...

2. babies - jack shit i can do here, but wait patiently and keep a positive outlook. every day i try to take a second and almost meditate to keep myself in check and keep myself positive. i'm not the first to go through this, but hearing the stories of others doesn't help. so i have to just keep myself busy and mark off the days.

3. home - i think i just have to bite the bullet on this one and get started. we obviously can't afford a housekeeper, and i need to get used to having a schedule, surely before kids come. that's the plan - write up a schedule and stick to it.

4. boxes - same with number 3. in that schedule, i write in a goal amount of boxes to get through each week.

5. school - yeah, nothing that can be done here. although at the end of most classes, we are asked to fill out an evaluation of our teammates. i used to just give everyone the max amount of points because it's easier. i'm not doing that anymore. there's nothing else i can do, and being honest in my evals would at least bring me some satisfaction and calm.

thanks for talking me through all this!

time's passed (and present)

facebook can be a very interesting little tool. i just spent the last 30 min or so looking at pics of the past. i didn't choose one of my own albums, i chose one of the ones where i'm tagged by friends. i discovered a few things. in every pic of dave and i, i'm touching him. in some i could only get closer by suffocating him. looking at 2009 pics, it was so obvious that i wanted to be with him, and yet he looks so happy. incongruent statement, i'm aware. but he claims to this day that he was unaware of my wanting. he jokes now that for about 5 months, essentially if any other woman came within 2 feet of him, basically i peed on him, marking him as my territory. the pics accurately show this i think. makes me laugh now, hopefully it does him too.

i also saw how my body has changed over the last 3 years. 2009 was an awesomely athletic year for me. a good portion of it i wasn't working, and the only thing i had to keep me from sliding into a very deep depression was working out. every day consisted of a workout, and knowing my then coach, none of them were mild. i miss my body from those days. to that end, i've gotten back on weight watchers. i'm down 2+ lbs since sunday. dukan was super fast, i dropped the weight really quickly. however, the rebound wasn't good, and of course i gained it all back plus a few. so, i guess i'll just have to stick with this.

i've also joined racelab officially. although i've not yet gotten my first training plan. going a little crazy about that. my coach wants me at all the group workouts, which i believe there are 6. one of them is a track workout, and she didn't seem to hear me when i told her track group workouts really aren't my thing. i went to one last week only to prove to myself that i don't have speeds. i have one speed while running. and it's not fast. and i have to walk regularly. when the temps are 115 outside, i don't want to do either. praying that august flies by. it's not been pretty so far. we went on a group ride this past saturday. it might be our last for awhile. it was at a state park, so the twisty/windy roads just came to an end. it took about 20 min to reach the end of the road because the entire way out was downhill. which meant the way back in was brutal. total trip took 47 min. evidently they just do this over and over again. i'd much rather just go out for 3 hours and ride from home. not to mention the fact that the group ride starts at 5am. it's a 45 min trip to the site, which means we need to be on the road by 4. which means we have to wake up at 3:30am. i'm sorry, i'm committed to this team and all. but i don't even get up at 3:30 for RACES, why the hell should i do it for training rides?! the heat? no. i'm happier riding from home at 7am in 95 degree heat. i don't really need to do that ride again, if you couldn't tell. dave road to the top of south mountain. twice. and then the loop that i did 3 times. i'd rather be on a trainer. and that speaks volumes.

the swim workouts are at ASU. which is awesome!!! their pool is amazing. group swims happen 3 times a week and there seems to be a good mix of abilities. i was really worried about my total lack of group swim etiquette, especially being the newbie on the team, but i watched one workout this past weekend and feel ready for tomorrow's swim.

heading to flagstaff this weekend - dave is racing mountain man oly as are a few of our teammates. really good group of people so far. there seem to be some cliques within the group, but for the most part, everyone has been very welcoming. there's no orgy action - a nice change of pace from the la tri club. much less soap opera drama here.

on the baby front - i got screwed by a nurse. she didn't completely fill out my paperwork, so i ended up taking one med much sooner than i was supposed to. the result - i've set us back quite a few days. that's been quite frustrating - it's horrible to want something so badly, only to let it slip away when you were so close, and because of someone else's error. i didn't take that well, and i'm hoping it won't be much longer.

i'll be the sherpa and photog of the race this weekend, so i'll post race pics next week!